The Cutter Rambles

The Movement: Part II

And now, for the second time in this blog’s history, I shall discuss a bowel movement by my daughter.

For those of you who might find this subject matter distasteful, you can skip ahead to the end of the post where I will provide a fun video.

Also, for those of you on my kickball team, I took most of this directly from last week’s recap, so I apologize if you’re reading this for a second time.

But now, on with the story!

I think we’d all like to believe that when faced with adversity or some sort of horrific situation that we’d react with bravery and conviction.  It is for that very reason that many people condemn Mike McQueary for not doing more to stop Jerry Sandusky when he spotted him in the shower.

The other night, I was faced with a crisis of my own and sadly, I didn’t react well.

Mrs. Cutter was at a yoga class, so I was alone with the Cutlet.  As part of our nightly routine, I would be required to give the Cutlet a bath.  The bath went well enough at first.  I washed and shampooed her, and she was happily playing with bath toys and splashing around.

Everything seemed just fine, so I suppose I kind of tuned out for a little bit.

And then, I heard grunting.  I looked over, and there were a couple of objects floating in the water.  The Cutlet has bath toys that she plays with, but these objects were definitely not bath toys.

For fans of the movie Caddyshack, it was kind of like when the Baby Ruth was in the pool:

I think Hulk Hogan could best sum up the situation (forward to about 1:50):

I just kind of stared at it for a few seconds.  Then, I let out an anguished stream of “No”s that would put Shia LaBeouf’s performance in Transformers to shame:

Finally, I acted.  Much to her displeasure, I grabbed the Cutlet and yanked her out of the tub, trying to make sure that she did not get any of the fecal matter on her.  She was now lying on a towel crying, and I kept looking back and forth between the crying toddler and the tub containing poop which was beginning to fragment.

I realized my first order of business was to dry and diaper my child so that no more biological elements could be added to the mix.

Once she was in her diaper, I began the unpleasant task of trying to clean up the tub.  Using the special holographic WWE Slurpee cup which we use to bathe the Cutlet, I scooped out as much as I could and dumped it into the toilet.

Naturally, the Cutlet became quite curious about what her father was doing in the bathroom and came in to investigate.  I tried sending her away, but then she came back with a book which she insisted I read to her.

I had to take her back out of the bathroom and find something that would occupy her.  Finally I was able to distract her with her Leap Frog Explorer pad long enough for me to finish the clean up.

I got most of the mess scooped out and then ran hot water on the remaining fragments until they dissolved.  I sadly had to throw out the various bath toys, along with the floor mat and the Slurpee cup.  (Farewell, Triple H!)

A heavy dose of bathroom cleaner later, and there was no evidence that anything bad had happened.  Of course, I would still have to live with the mental scars.

On Friday, I was once again left to bathe the Cutlet by myself.  I warned her that if we had a repeat performance, then I was leaving her in the tub and never bathing her again.

Fortunately, that night’s bath went without incident.

And now, as promised, here is a fun video!