At 7:00, I was disturbed by Mrs. Cutter checking the baby monitor.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“I thought I heard her. I can’t tell, is she in her bed?”
I looked at the monitor. Due to the camera angle, I couldn’t tell if The Cutlet was under the covers or not. I opened our bedroom door and looked out. Her door was still closed. Since the child is capable of opening the door if she so pleases, I figured all was well.
I returned to bed, but Mrs. Cutter told me, “She’s definitely not in her bed.”
I got back up and opened her door.
“I peed all over the bed. I need to go potty.”
“Okay, you can go potty.”
As I was about to lead her to the bathroom, I stopped. I think I smelled it first, but then I saw it.
I think I’ll enlist the help of Maroon 5 to help me describe the situation.
(Sung to the tune of “Wake Up Call”)
Wake up call, came out in the morning with poop all over her bed.
Will she wear those PJs anymore? Wear those PJs? I don’t think so!
Kernels of corn, brown smears on the pillow, it was even up on her head.
She won’t sleep on those sheets anymore. We put her in the bath, and man, it smelled so bad. Oh, it smelled so bad. Damn, it smelled so baaaad!
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At first I was like “poor baby.” But then I had to remind myself that I root for Team Parent now and so I said “poor Cutter.” We all need to unite against the enemy that is poop.
Thank you for your support. Poop is a powerful and intimidating enemy, but if we all work together, we may yet prevail.
Haha, when my Thing Two was two she rubbed her diaper contents on her big sister’s my little pony merry-go-round. On the plus side, I never had to hear that thing play again. Now that they’re potty trained, I have resisted pets as much as possible. Had enough poop for a dozen lifetimes, thanks.
So that’s how you get rid of the toys that you can’t stand? Fecal matter! Good to know!
You really can’t go wrong with a poop post…
And yet last night someone said to me, “I even read your post about poop!” as if I tricked them into doing it.
It’s not like I misled people about what the story would be about. I didn’t promise tales about unicorns and pirates or anything like that.