For those of you who might find this subject matter distasteful, you can skip ahead to the end of the post where I will provide a fun video.

Also, for those of you on my kickball team, I took most of this directly from last week’s recap, so I apologize if you’re reading this for a second time.

But now, on with the story!

I think we’d all like to believe that when faced with adversity or some sort of horrific situation that we’d react with bravery and conviction.  It is for that very reason that many people condemn Mike McQueary for not doing more to stop Jerry Sandusky when he spotted him in the shower.

The other night, I was faced with a crisis of my own and sadly, I didn’t react well.

Mrs. Cutter was at a yoga class, so I was alone with the Cutlet.  As part of our nightly routine, I would be required to give the Cutlet a bath.  The bath went well enough at first.  I washed and shampooed her, and she was happily playing with bath toys and splashing around.

Everything seemed just fine, so I suppose I kind of tuned out for a little bit.

And then, I heard grunting.  I looked over, and there were a couple of objects floating in the water.  The Cutlet has bath toys that she plays with, but these objects were definitely not bath toys.

For fans of the movie Caddyshack, it was kind of like when the Baby Ruth was in the pool:

I think Hulk Hogan could best sum up the situation (forward to about 1:50):

I just kind of stared at it for a few seconds.  Then, I let out an anguished stream of “No”s that would put Shia LaBeouf’s performance in Transformers to shame:

Finally, I acted.  Much to her displeasure, I grabbed the Cutlet and yanked her out of the tub, trying to make sure that she did not get any of the fecal matter on her.  She was now lying on a towel crying, and I kept looking back and forth between the crying toddler and the tub containing poop which was beginning to fragment.

I realized my first order of business was to dry and diaper my child so that no more biological elements could be added to the mix.

Once she was in her diaper, I began the unpleasant task of trying to clean up the tub.  Using the special holographic WWE Slurpee cup which we use to bathe the Cutlet, I scooped out as much as I could and dumped it into the toilet.

Naturally, the Cutlet became quite curious about what her father was doing in the bathroom and came in to investigate.  I tried sending her away, but then she came back with a book which she insisted I read to her.

I had to take her back out of the bathroom and find something that would occupy her.  Finally I was able to distract her with her Leap Frog Explorer pad long enough for me to finish the clean up.

I got most of the mess scooped out and then ran hot water on the remaining fragments until they dissolved.  I sadly had to throw out the various bath toys, along with the floor mat and the Slurpee cup.  (Farewell, Triple H!)

A heavy dose of bathroom cleaner later, and there was no evidence that anything bad had happened.  Of course, I would still have to live with the mental scars.

On Friday, I was once again left to bathe the Cutlet by myself.  I warned her that if we had a repeat performance, then I was leaving her in the tub and never bathing her again.

Fortunately, that night’s bath went without incident.

And now, as promised, here is a fun video!

On the surface, this sounded like a wonderful opportunity.  Instead of freezing through the January weather, we’d get to enjoy a week of warm temperatures and fun activities.

We only had one concern: How would the Cutlet respond to being away from home for an entire week?  While she had been good when travelling in the past, those were shorter trips usually to a relative’s home.  This would be a whole different scenario, and we were scared to think what would happen if she wasn’t happy.

But thankfully, all went (for the most part) well.  Here is a brief recapping of the trip:

Dulles Airport: Not for the timid

Our journey didn’t get off to a promising start.  But that was to be expected as we were flying out of Dulles, and it’s nearly impossible to fly out of there without some sort of problem.

Since we were travelling for a week with a toddler, that meant that we brought along a large amount of luggage.  I had to deal with three large suitcases, three carry-on bags, a stroller, and a car seat.  These all had to be taken out of the car, loaded onto the parking shuttle bus, and then unloaded at the terminal.

After all of this loading and unloading was complete, I looked around and asked, “Where’s the black bag?”

I then remembered that I had originally placed one of our bags in the back seat of the car, and not in the trunk with the others.  So while Mrs. Cutter took the Cutlet through security, I had to board another shuttle, return to the parking lot, and retrieve our bag.

I am normally not a fan of arriving at the airport early.  But since we were travelling internationally with a toddler, I felt arriving two hours before departure was justified.  Thankfully, this gave me plenty of time to get back to the airport with my bag.  It was also fortunate that the airport was not crowded, so it was pretty easy to get through security.

By the way, I enjoy Dulles’ security much more now that they redesigned the facade.  It now kind of resembles an interior that you might see in a Star Trek movie.

Dodging chickens and traffic

After a peaceful flight, we made our way through customs and gathered our bags.  This went quicker than expected, partially because baggage handlers in Grand Cayman are MUCH more efficient than their American counterparts.

Our next stop was across the street to the rental car agency.  It’s kind of strange to be pushing a luggage cart down the road and have to stop for chickens that wander into your path.  I’m not sure what the deal is, but there seem to be random chickens roaming all over the place in Grand Cayman.

Once we squeezed everything into our car (cars in Grand Cayman are generally much smaller than in the States), I was faced with a new challenge: Driving on the left hand side of the road.

In Grand Cayman, they utilize the European style of driving.  Apparently, this has caused problems for tourists in the past.  They have “Drive on the left” signs posted on the road, and rental cars have different colored license plates, so that local drivers know to be wary.

Adding to the confusion is that the steering wheel was on the right side of the car.  In fact, all of the steering wheel controls were reversed.  This led to quite a few cases of me activating the windshield wipers when trying to signal a turn.

My initial drive did not go smoothly.  When trying to leave the airport, I had to make a few turns, and it felt like all of my instincts were wrong.

It got much easier as the week went on.  I got somewhat accustomed to the lane change, and Mrs. Cutter helpfully would remind me which side of the road I needed to be on.

It also helped that there aren’t that many roads in Grand Cayman, and to get where we needed to go, we generally stayed on one main road.

Foster’s Food Fair: Would they have the king of cereals?

Supermarkets in Grand Cayman are closed on Sundays, so we had to stop at Foster’s Food Fair on Saturday night to buy some milk and other supplies for the next day.

As I always do when I go to a new supermarket, I headed towards the cereal aisle to see if they have my favorite cereal in stock.   Usually, I end up disappointed.  But not this time.  There it was – Waffle Crisp!  The most glorious of all cereals!

Obviously, I had to buy a box.  It is my personal rule that if I find a store that sells Waffle Crisp, a box must be purchased.

Yes, it is that good, and that rare.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t a perfect trip.  Since Grand Cayman is an English-speaking nation, they only had Frosted Flakes, and not the much superior Zucaritas.

Then again, I don’t know if I would be able to handle the combination of Waffle Crisp and Zucaritas.  That might be more awesomeness than even I could take.

Island Time

People inside the supermarket were definitely moving at what people call “island time.”  In other words, there are a lot of people just standing around or moving along in no real hurry.

We would later encounter island time when we tried to have dinner that evening.  It was late and we were hungry, so we just went to the resort’s restaurant.  Unfortunately, when we went to the host stand, there was nobody there to seat us.

After waiting for a few minutes, we asked a waiter if we should just seat ourselves.  He said that someone would be with us shortly.  We apparently have different definitions of “shortly,” because a few more minutes passed without anyone looking in our direction.

Finally, we gave up and went to the resort’s dock bar.   They served bar food – decent enough, but far from inexpensive – and we had the added bonus of being able to watch the fish swim by the dock.

The fish apparently knew that food items would get thrown their way, so they gather near the dock.  It was pretty cool to watch when chicken bones and french fries were thrown into the water.  The fish would swarm and devour the food items in seconds.

When we went snorkelling later in the week, I went under the dock to get a closer look at them.  Mrs. Cutter did not want to get as close to the “big, scary fish” in fear that they might try to devour her.

Exhaustion

By the time we went food shopping, drove to the resort, lugged our bags up two flights of stairs, and ate dinner, I was quite exhausted.

Since the rest of our group was not arriving until Sunday, we would be temporarily staying in a one-bedroom condo.  This meant that the Cutlet’s crib was in our bedroom.  We didn’t think that would be a major problem, as she is generally a sound sleeper.

Since we were so tired, we went to bed not too long after putting her down.  But two hours into our sleep, we were awakened by the sound of the Cutlet noisily rolling around in her crib.

I’m not sure if it was because the crib mattress was a bit squeaky, or if it was due to her having less space than she was accustomed to.  But she was rolling around excessively and making a lot of noise while doing so.

We checked on her, and she didn’t seem to be upset.  She was just rolling around.  She eventually quieted down, so we went back to sleep.  And an hour or so later, we were once again woken by the sound of our her thrashing in her crib.

She was awake, and seemed to be fine, but when we walked over to the crib, she asked to be taken out.  We complied, and had her lie in bed with us for a few minutes.  Since she didn’t seem upset, we put her back into the crib and she didn’t complain.  But shortly after, she resumed her thrashing.

I’m not sure why I didn’t think to just move the crib into the main room.  It might have had something to do with being exhausted at 2 AM.

The restlessness continued all night.  I’m sure that I slept at some point, but it didn’t feel like it.

Finally, at 7:30 in the morning, I once again heard her moving around.  I looked over to see her sitting up smiling at us.

Since we clearly weren’t going to be getting any more sleep, we figured we’d start the day.  After breakfast, we got changed into our bathing suits, and headed down to the pool.

The Cutlet loved going into the pool last summer, so we figured that the pool would be easy entertainment.  Naturally, as we attempted to lower her down into the kiddie pool, she rebelled with an anguished “Nooooo!”

I’m not sure why she was opposed to the pool.  The water admittedly was cold, and the strong winds made the air colder than we expected.  But she’s gone swimming in colder temperatures than that before.  Maybe she was just being ornery.

Whatever the cause for her reluctance, we spent most of the morning chasing her around as she ran around the pool area looking at whatever caught her eye.

At this point, it was shaping up to be a long week.  If we weren’t going to sleep well, and then have to spend the entire time chasing her around, we were going to be like zombies.

 Relaxation

Fortunately, things greatly improved once the in-laws arrived that afternoon. We had extra eyes to look after the Cutlet, and Mrs. Cutter and I actually got some time to relax and enjoy ourselves.

Coaxed by Grandma, the Cutlet got into the pool the next day.  Of course, she came fully accessorized with long shirt, sunglasses, hat, and a bucket and shovel set.  Quite the little diva, she is.

It was fun to see her get progressively braver as the week went on.  At first, she would only stand on the top step of the kiddie pool.  Then, she’d take another step down.  Later on in the week, she would allow herself to be carried around both the kiddie pool and the regular pool.

She was able to float thanks to her Puddle Jumpers, which are arm floaties connected by a life vest on the front that prevent her from flopping forward.   By the end of the week, she was floating on her own and actually kicking her legs to help her move around.

She also became a bit obsessed with the ocean.  From our condo, we could walk out onto the beach and see the ocean, so every time she looked out, she’d say “ocean.”

At first, she just wanted to look at the ocean, and not actually go in.  But she eventually allowed herself to be carried into the water and have her feet dipped in.  Finally, she even briefly walked around on her own and sat on the sand while the waves rolled over her.

The power outage

Our third night on the island, the family had just sat down for dinner when the condo’s lights suddenly went out. 

We went outside, and discovered that the power outage was an island-wide phenomenon.  It was an unwelcome reminder of home.  We hoped that this power outage wouldn’t similarly last for multiple days.

Fortunately, our dinner was already cooked, so we were able to enjoy a flashlight illuminated meal.  We then sat outside and looked at the moon and the stars for a bit.

And apparently Grand Cayman’s power company is a bit more reliable than Pepco, because to our relief, the lights came back on a few hours later.

Mommy and Daddy time

With the in-laws providing babysitting, Mrs. Cutter and I actually were able to spend some time by ourselves.  And at some times, we were even able to sit back and relax!

In a wise decision, we relocated our sleeping quarters to the sofa bed rather than try to share a room with “Thrashy McGee.”  The sofa bed might not have been the most comfortable in the world, but at least we were able to sleep peacefully.

We went on an excursion where we rode Wave Runners (a type of jet ski) into the ocean to go snorkelling.  Mrs. Cutter was a bit nervous about the Wave Runners, as she didn’t want to go as fast as the rest of the group.  And when it was my turn to drive, she was wary of getting thrown off.  I reassured her that being thrown from a Wave Runner would be a fun and exciting experience.  She disagreed.

We were given a sad reminder of just how old we are now.  My brother and sister-in-law befriended our snorkelling guide and hung out with him a few nights.  While they drank late into the night and went to parties on the beach, Mrs. Cutter and I stayed in and were largely in bed around 10 PM.

Sigh.

We also took a trip on a catamaran which took us into a part of the ocean where sting rays congregate.  The rays have grown used to human interaction, and they’ll swim right up to you, probably in hope that they’ll be fed. 

We got to hold and get our pictures taken with some of them.  Sadly, we were specifically told that we were not allowed to punch the sting rays.  So I restrained myself.  I didn’t even taunt them about the 2008 World Series.

A fine trip

As it turned out, we had no real cause for concern.  The Cutlet was extremely well behaved throughout the trip.  She didn’t have any major breakdowns, and was mostly in good spirits.  She even slept through almost the entire plane ride home!

Unfortunately, none of us were especially happy about returning home and dealing with sub-freezing temperatures.  But I suppose vacations can’t last forever.

Overall, it was a wonderful trip.  We got to relax a little, we did some fun activities, and the Cutlet seemed to enjoy herself tremendously.

The 31 Days of Blogging refuses to die.  Instead, it continues to live on well past its expected expiration date like sort of zombie.

And so, I figured this would be as good a time as any to discuss the zombie fish.

Mrs. Cutter and I have a fish tank in our condo.  For the past few months, we have had a thriving community of eleven fish.  They all seemed healthy and happy enough.  Or at least as happy as fish can be.

The community includes three “Mickey Mouse” tetras.  They are so named due to a black pattern on their sides that resembles Mickey Mouse’s head. 

About a month or so ago, one of the Mickey Mouses seemed to fall ill.  It would lie on the bottom of the tank and barely move.  This is generally not considered to be healthy behavior for a fish.

On at least a couple of occasions, Mrs. Cutter and I thought the fish was dead.  It didn’t seem to be moving at all, and appeared to be missing portions of its tail fin.

Thinking that it had expired, I attempted to scoop him out with a net.  Only to my surprise, before I could snatch him, he swam away.  But he then returned to his prone state at the bottom of the tank.

Was the fish still alive?  Or was it deceased and continuing on as an undead zombie?

Even if the fish was still alive, surely it couldn’t last for too much longer, right?

Well, to our surprise, a few days later, the fish vanished.

We searched the tank, but couldn’t find any sign of it.  We thought that it might have been hiding inside the decorative castle.  I tried looking in there, but I couldn’t see any sign of it.

So what happened to our fish?  Did it spontaneously combust?  Did it die and then get consumed by the others?  Did it find a way to escape and is now living on the lam somewhere in Mexico?

Unfortunately it seems that we may never know the answer.

December is over!  Shouldn’t the 31 Days of Blogging be over with it?

Well even though we have left December behind us, the 31 Days of Blogging shall continue.  Or at least it shall for one more day.

I’m sitting on my couch watching the Eagles and Redskins play out the string.  Since the game is essentially meaningless, I figured I might as well take a look back at my month of blogging.

I’m also hoping that the teams I chose for my three team parlay and fifteen team teaser bets come through.  But that’s (hopefully) another story for another day.

When I first started the endeavor, I honestly wasn’t sure if I’d be able to do it.  I figured that I’d either be too busy, or I’d just have a day where I had absolutely nothing to write about.

And some days it was indeed a struggle to get something written.  But one way or another, I was able to come up with a post every day.

More impressively, I really didn’t even need to use much filler.  I mean, the days when I simply announced a new Ad Pundit review weren’t too exciting, but considering I wrote a substantial ad review, I was okay with that.

I’d like to think that there was something for everyone this month.  Whether you like reading about the Cutlet, sports, pop culture, or just random ramblings from my mind, there should have been at least a couple of entries that were up your alley.

Here’s a quick look at some of the month’s superlatives.

Weakest entry: Day Two and I’m Tired - I admittedly didn’t get off to a great start as I was tired and busy.  At this point, I really didn’t think I was going to be able to go 31-for-31.

Most ambitious:  In Search of the World’s Awesomest Song - I realized this one might be difficult to write, but I think I pulled it off decently well.

Speaking of which, you can still cast a vote if you have not done so yet.

Most time-consuming: The G.I.Joe Cartoon: A Critical Analysis - It took me awhile to do this one since I had to do all the screen captures and all.

Entry that I enjoyed, but I’m not sure that it really worked: It’s Been One Week - It was probably more fun to write than it was to read.

Most disappointing entry: Date Night with the DVR - I had decent expectations for this one, but it just didn’t work the way I had hoped.

Most popular entry: My Fantasy Football “Victory” Speech - I got a ton of traffic from search engines from people searching for a fantasy football victory speech.

Strangest entry: The Hamburglar: Scourge of McDonaldland - Yeah, this one was a bit out there.

Favorite entry to write: A Christmas Interview with Michael Bublé - I just really got a kick out of writing this one.

So now that the 31 Days of Blogging are done, what does the future hold for The Cutter Rambles?

I’ll still probably continue on the same sporadic schedule that I followed pre-December.  When inspiration strikes me, I shall write.  But I’m not going to force it.

I’m going to be concentrating more of my time and mental energy towards writing a novel.  Part of the reason I wanted to do the 31 Days of Blogging was so that I would get in the habit of writing something every day, no matter how busy or uninspired I may be.

Because I know that if I don’t make a point to write each day, then it isn’t going to get done.  There are just too many potential distractions.  Hopefully, the dedication I showed this past month will carry over, and I will succeed in my goal.  Wish me luck!

In conclusion, I’d like to thank everyone who read The Cutter Rambles both this past month, and throughout the blog’s lifespan.  I hope it’s been at least somewhat entertaining for you, and I hope you stay with me in the days ahead.

The second half of 2010 was challenging for Mrs. Cutter and me as we were dealing with the challenges that a new baby brings.  Especially when that baby is as angry as our was.

I’m not exactly sure why she was so angry.  Was she always hungry?  Based on how much she likes to eat now, that is a possibility.  Was she colicky?  Was she gassy?  Was she simply unhappy at the fact that she had been evicted from the womb and had to deal with her existence as an independent human being?

Whatever the reason, shortly after the calendar flipped to 2011, the anger thankfully began to fade.  The fits of shrieking and crying began to lessen, and a happy, bubbly personality began to emerge.

That alone made 2011 a good year.

Along the way, we had many great moments with her: Swimming in the pool, trick-or-treating, a trip to the beach, and of course celebrating her first birthday.  These were just a few of the good times we had together.

2011 also had some highlights that did not involve the Cutlet.  I won another kickball championship.  I took a trip to Las Vegas.  And Mrs. Cutter and I got to go to Mexico.  It was there that I got to enjoy Zucaritas!

As with any year, there were a few unfortunate lowlights along the way too.  A snowstorm once again knocked out our power and we had to evacuate our home.  And I had to suffer through the horrendousness of October 2nd.  I think that day will leave me forever scarred.

But lowlights aside, I’d still say that 2011 was an excellent year.

Of course, I can’t let the year pass without handing out my annual Cutter awards!

As I tried to choose my pop culture favorites for 2011, I realized that I’m not as engrossed in pop culture as I used to be.  It feels like I’m much more likely to listen to music by Baby Geniuses or Elmo instead of Adele or LMFAO.

For the record, I can’t stand LMFAO.  I find Party Rock Anthem to be very annoying.  It’s not even a coherent song!  It’s like four different songs smashed together without reason!  But hey, I guess a lot of people out there disagree.

Anyway, because I’m not too engrossed in pop culture, you can feel free to laugh and dismiss my choices.  But I’m sure you were planning to do that anyway.

Best Song of the Year

I think I had the same reaction as everyone when I heard Pumped Up Kicks by Foster the People: What a happy little tune!

I later realized what the song was actually about.  I’m not sure if that somehow makes the song even better, but I will go out on a limb and say that this is the happiest song about a teen shooting that has ever been written.

Movie of the Year

I realized that I (understandably) didn’t get out to the old cineplex very often this year.  I saw a few of the summer’s comic book movies, but that was about it.  And were any of those movies really worthy of a “Movie of the Year” mention?  I mean, Thor and Captain America were decent enough, but really, they came across more as prequels than anything.

It kind of felt like this year’s summer movies were simply treading water in preparation for next year’s crop which looks fantastic.  I’m looking forward to all of MIB 3, The Dark Knight Rises, G.I.Joe 2, The Avengers, and The Hobbit.

As for this year, since I have no better choice, I’ll say the best movie I saw all year was X-Men: First Class.  It was fun, and was packed with sexual tension between Professor X and Magneto.  And if there’s one thing I want in my summer blockbusters, it is sexual tension between a superhero and his future arch nemesis.

TV Show of the Year

I was going to go with South Park simply based on their remarkable “You’re Getting Old” episode.  But really, aside from that episode and its follow-up, I’d say that overall South Park had an underwhelming season.

Parks and Recreation also had a good year, especially since I – like many people – originally wrote it off as a poor man’s The Office.  But was it my favorite show of the year?  No.

For the second year in a row, my favorite show to watch has been It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.  The show has remained evilly hilarious, and the writers just keep coming up with new ways to keep things fresh.  “Hey, wouldn’t it be funny if Mac was fat?”

And the reveal of Mac’s full name was even better than we could have ever hoped for.

People of the Year

Every year, I like to honor one of my friends who has stood out above all others.  I also like to give out the Chris Callan Award to my favorite new friend of the year.

For 2011, I wanted to combine both awards and honor a group of people.

In May, I joined a random softball team in the Social Sports of Bethesda league.  While I joined along with my pre-existing friends BGR and Bird, most of my new teammates were strangers.

Putting a random group of people together can sometimes be disastrous.  And after the initial back-and-forth emails among the team members, I was worried that it would indeed be a disaster.

But somehow, this particular team clicked.  Not only did we succeed on the softball field, but I also made a new group of friends, many of whom I am still hanging out with now that softball season is over.

So the 2011 Person of the Year and Chris Callan Top Newcomer of the Year Awards go to the collective members of the Sons of Pitches softball team!

Hopefully, we will be able to re-form the team in the Spring and get back to our winning ways.

So yeah, 2011 has been a good year.

Sure, there were setbacks.  I’m not where I necessarily want to be in my career path.  And I wasn’t able to complete the Facebook application that I have been developing.

But I consider those setbacks to be learning experiences, and hopefully I shall use them to grow as I move forward.

Considering what I hope – and plan – to accomplish next year, I fully expect 2012 to be even better than 2011, so I’m hoping the Mayans were wrong.

But that’s a topic for another day.  For now, let’s celebrate a great year.

Here’s to 2011!

Coca-Cola: Shake Up Christmas

As for New Years Eve…

As a child, New Years Eve was one of my favorite days of the year.  My parents would have a big party at our house, and some of my friends would come over along with their parents.

For a kid, it was incredibly fun.  I got to stay up late and hang out with my friends.  I remember being up at 2 AM and thinking it was the coolest thing ever.  Plus, I got to annoy my sister and the friends whom she had invited over.

Of course, I may have been a bit too annoying.  The first year I was allowed to stay awake, a couple of my sister’s friends conspired to get me to go to bed.  They went into my room and moved my clock forward so that it said it was after midnight.  They told me I had missed the ball dropping, and believing them, I went to bed.

While in hindsight I can appreciate their ingenuity, I was quite enraged when I woke up in the morning and learned of their trickery.

Eventually, years went by, and my parents grew tired of hosting a party every year.  And the excitement of New Years Eve faded for me.

After I turned 21, it was exciting to be able to go out and legally drink on NYE, but eventually that grew tiresome as well.  In recent years, neither Mrs. Cutter nor I saw much appeal in paying a high cover to hang out at an overcrowded bar, simply because it was New Years Eve.

Our recent New Years have been filled with events ranging from the offbeat (Squnity’s trivia night) to the annoying (The DC Improv).  Nothing has been all that memorable.

Of course, now that we have the Cutlet, we aren’t going to be going out anywhere late, unless we want to pay an insane amount of money to a babysitter.  So it is very likely that for the second year in a row, we will be asleep by the time the ball drops.

But for those of you who do venture out on New Years Eve, I wish you a happy and safe night, wherever it may lead.

And to get you in the mood, here are some ‘Best of 2011′ links:

The Least Essential Albums of 2011

Tech Fails

Funniest SNL skits

Funniest Headlines

I’ll be back tomorrow with my own personal Best of 2011 awards.  It should be super thrilling.

I will now tell the mostly unremarkable story of our trip.  Be warned that my tale is full of “first world problems” that would make most of the people on White Whine proud.

Night time is the right time for driving

As I’ve mentioned before, driving to and from Long Island is one of my least favorite activities.  In the past, the drive has ranged from unpleasant to near-catastrophic.  Based on our torment on the New Jersey Turnpike last year, I didn’t think there was any chance that we would be doing it again this year. 

But apparently, we are gluttons for punishment.  We loaded up the CR-V with our phalanx of gifts and once again headed North. 

After the disaster that was last year, we decided to try the drive at night.  We figured that traffic would be lighter, and it would be easier on the Cutlet as she would theoretically sleep for most of the journey.

Our thinking proved to be correct.  While we hit some traffic in Baltimore, for the most part we avoided getting caught up in too much congestion. 

And for her part, the Cutlet handled the drive well.  We made one stop for dinner, and another stop to change her into her PJs and read her a story.  Aside from that, she either sat peacefully or slept through the journey.

The Cutlet has odd taste

We stopped for dinner at Burger King.  We ordered her a kid’s meal with chicken nuggets and apples slices.  It was there that she reaffirmed that she possibly has the strangest food tastes ever for a child.

The Cutlet regularly passes up meat and other food in favor of fruits and vegetables.  At dinner, it’s usually the corn and broccoli that get finished off before anything else.

So naturally, she largely ignored the nuggets and a few fries we gave her in favor of the apples.  “Do you want some chicken?” 

“Apples!”

“You finished the apples.  Do you want chicken?”

“Apples!”

Being sick at Christmas sucks

Leading up to our trip, all three of us had been suffering with colds to varying degrees.  My cold had been the least severe, and upon reaching Long Island, a little bit of extra rest helped me kick it.  The Cutlet also seemed to regain her health soon after our arrival. 

Mrs. Cutter was not so lucky.  Exacerbated by an allergic reaction to her mother’s cat, her condition worsened.  By Christmas Eve, the cold had developed into a full-blown sinus infection, and she could barely breathe. 

On Christmas Eve morning, we had to locate a walk-in medical clinic so that she could get a prescription for some antibiotics.  Sadly, this meant that we couldn’t take our annual Christmas Eve swim or our trip to Walmart.

Sofa beds: Not that comfortable

It isn’t that the Mom-in-law’s sofa bed is especially uncomfortable.  Thanks to a memory foam mattress-topper, it’s actually pretty good for a sofa bed.

But when you’re used to sharing a king-sized bed, you notice the lack of space on a queen-sized mattress.  And when one person is slightly congested, and the other has a full-blown sinus infection, it can make for a snore-filled, restless night.

Two consecutive nights I voluntarily removed myself from the sofa bed and slept on a couch.  Despite being relocated, I slept well enough despite some interruptions.

The first night, I slept on the living room couch where I was almost sat on by two different people.  The next night, in order to avoid such problems, I relocated into the basement. 

This was peaceful enough until the house’s heating system kicked in.  At 3 AM, it can be quite alarming to have your sleep interrupted by something that sounds similar to a jet engine warming up.

Side effects can suck too

Mrs. Cutter received her antibiotics, and when she woke up on Christmas morning, she seemed to be feeling considerably better.  Unfortunately, that relief didn’t last long, as the medicine’s side effects left her with intense stomach pain.

She tried relieving the pain with bismuth and crackers, but unfortunately, it didn’t relent enough, and she was forced to stay home and miss Christmas dinner.

I felt bad for her, as she had to sit alone and watch TV on Christmas night.  But at least her stomach improved later on and she was able to have some of her aunt’s delicious peanut butter brownies.

Mark Sanchez sucks

Nothing says Christmas like watching football and hoping that by some miracle your team can avoid elimination.

I learned an important lesson: If your football team’s fate is in the hands of New York Jets’ quarterback Mark Sanchez, then something has probably gone wrong with your season.

When the Eagles played the Jets last week, I got to witness firsthand how awful this guy is at playing quarterback.   And yet, there I was, forced to cheer for him because I needed the Jets to beat the Giants.

Naturally, Sanchez played horribly and the Jets lost.  So the Eagles’ subsequent game against the Cowboys was rendered essentially meaningless. 

In the end, it might have been for the best.  Trying to concentrate on a football game during a family gathering can be difficult.  So I might have gotten quite annoyed if the game had been crucial to the Eagles’ season. 

The Cutlet hates Santa Claus

Not that we didn’t know before, but Christmas Eve hammered the point home: The Cutlet hates Santa.

For the second year in a row, the Dad-in-law dressed up as Santa.  Last year, the Cutlet wasn’t happy about it, but she was in such a foul mood that day, that she wasn’t happy about anything.

This year, we didn’t get angry screaming when she encountered Santa.  Instead, we got absolute fear.  As soon as Santa walked in the door, she tried to run and hide behind the Christmas tree.  When Mrs. Cutter picked her up, she clung tightly to her, and refused to even look up until she was sure that Santa was gone.

Perhaps, she’ll grow up to be like one of these women.

The Cutlet loves her cousins

While she might not have enjoyed seeing Santa, the Cutlet certainly did enjoy seeing her cousins. 

By some miracle, on Christmas Eve there were three small children playing together, and they were all being relatively peaceful.  There was sharing of toys, and friendly hugs.

Perhaps even more amazingly, the amount of damage done to the house was kept at a minimal level.

People love buying gifts for small children

After sorting through all of her gifts, I believe that the Cutlet may now have more possessions than both of her parents combined.

People love to buy gifts for small children.  And while we do appreciate people wanting to buy stuff for her, after a while it becomes slightly excessive.  Especially if you have to load it all into a car and drive  back to a condo with limited storage space.

The worst offender is the Mom-in-law. She does not seem to possess any ability to restrain herself when it comes to buying presents for her granddaughter.

She uses the old standby “But it’s too adorable!  I couldn’t resist!”

But of course, this ignores my rule that 90% of products made for little girls are adorable, and adorableness alone is not justification for buying a product.

I’m happy to report that the Cutlet now has enough pajamas to last her for the rest of her life.  I think we’re just going to start dressing her in pajamas during the day so that she gets use out of them all.

All the presents in the world, and she only wants to play with a stocking

The Mom-in-law had her Christmas stockings on display.  One of them was attached to an animatronic reindeer that would sing and dance to the song Sleigh Ride. 

Considering the several toys that she received, what do you think she wanted to play with?  Naturally, she just wanted to keep seeing the reindeer sing and dance over and over again.

The journey home

So while we made it up to Long Island relatively unscathed, we still had to deal with the return journey.  In all of our trips there, I don’t think we’ve ever had an easy drive both ways.  If we manage to have a quick trip north, then the drive home will assuredly suck that much worse.

Our original plan had been to drive during the day on Tuesday, but after our first drive went so smoothly, we decided to leave after dinner on Monday evening.

Once again, aside from a few small patches of traffic, the drive went better than we could have hoped.  We even managed to fool the weather, as the heavy rain didn’t start until Tuesday.  

Of course, the rain will probably be angry about being fooled and will surely be out for revenge next time.

Overall, I think we all enjoyed the trip to varying degrees.

The Cutlet had a great time.  She got to play with her grandparents and cousins.  She took a trip to the beach to see the ocean, and we even visited a zoo.  I think the Cutlet was probably sad that she had to go back home.

Personally, I had a pretty good time.  Thanks to other people who wanted to see the Cutlet, I actually got a little bit of time to relax, read, and watch TV.  I might have had some problems sleeping, but that’s nothing new.

Sadly, Mrs. Cutter did not have that good of a trip.  She felt lousy most of the time, and had to miss out on some of the festivities and food.

At least since we’ve returned she’s been able to get different antibiotics and seems to be improving.  So we can all be healthy and happy as we enter 2012!

There’s a 100% chance that I’ll be seeing this one.  It’s got a techno remix of the White Stripes!  The Rock!  Ninjas fighting on a cliff side!  The possibility that Channing Tatum dies!  What more could you want?

In honor of this trailer, I am going to review an episode of the classic G.I.Joe cartoon series.

For those of you unfamiliar with G.I.Joe, here’s a quick rundown on the basics:

G.I.Joe is America’s elite military force.  They are the best and the brightest, and most of the team members can be described in one or two words such as: Pilot, cowboy, firefighter, black guy.

The Joes concentrate almost solely on stopping Cobra – a terrorist organization armed with the latest military technology and seemingly limitless resources.  In the hands of a skilled leader, Cobra would be a real threat to global safety.

However, the world remains safe, because they are led by Cobra Commander.  In the comic books, Cobra Commander was actually a somewhat competent leader.  In the cartoon, he was a complete buffoon.

Here are his major flaws:

- His schemes are needlessly complex.  He’s got a legion of troops and high-tech weaponry at his disposal, yet Cobra plots rarely involve simply using their weapons to destroy their enemies.  Instead, a typical Cobra plot might involve attacking a science lab, stealing a gun that turns people into animals, and then threatening to turn the entire United Nations into mice.

- He doesn’t surround himself with good people.  I realize that when recruiting for a terrorist organization, you might not have the best and brightest talent to choose from.  Still, there have to be better options out there than what he’s chosen.

It isn’t just that his subordinates are incompetent; although they certainly are.  It’s the way that they almost purposely thwart Cobra Commander’s plans that make them so dangerous to him.   In just about every episode, a Cobra plot is ruined because one of his subordinates betrays him.

And they usually don’t do it for any personal gain.  They just seem to like messing with him and watching him fail.  It’s possible that many of the top Cobras are actually government spies placed in the organization to sabotage it from the inside.

- He has an odd love affair with the Joes.  The more you watch the show, the more it seems that Cobra Commander’s real motivation is to simply get attention from the Joes.

On more than one occasion, he has captured members of the Joe team.  You’d think he might kill them, interrogate them, or possibly even torture them.  No, he usually just has them compete in gladiator style combat.

The episode I’ve chosen to review is Cobra Sound Waves.

This episode takes place in a generic Middle Eastern country that “produces a third of the oil for the free world.”  So obviously the stakes are gonna be pretty high.

We start off with the Joes flying their Skystriker jets towards a Cobra base.  Piloting the Skystrikers for the Joes are:

Ace – The team pilot who likes to speak in gambling metaphors.  I’m not sure why the Joes needed a special pilot since apparently everyone on the team can fly a jet.  It’s very possible that Ace was a sarcastic nickname since he seems to get his plane shot down in every episode.

Gung Ho – A brash marine who only wears a vest no matter what the weather conditions are.  His specialty is opting to punch Cobras in the face rather than using his gun.  I’d say it was some sort of pacifist statement, but I think it’s just because he’s kind of stupid.

Roadblock – A large black man who speaks in rhymes and uses his patented “knock two Cobra soldier’s heads together” combat technique.

Right off the bat, we get a key staple of the show: A Cobra agent in disguise!

Cobra agents love wearing disguises.  And they especially love revealing their true identities by ripping off their disguise with a flourish.  You almost never see a Cobra agent calmly remove his mask.  Nope, it’s always done super dramatically.

This particular Cobra agent is Major Bludd, who despite the menacing sounding name never really did much besides scream “Cobra!” a lot.

Cobraaaaa!

There is a brief battle between the Joe and Cobra aircraft.  Somehow, the Joes and Cobras are able to hear each other while this battle is going on.  Either they all have really good hearing, or they’re simply broadcasting their conversations over open air.  I’m not sure which makes more sense.

Maybe I was too harsh in my earlier criticism of Cobra Commander.  Now that I think about it, every time his troops go directly against the Joes, they lose. So maybe the complex plots were actually necessary in order for Cobra to gain victory.

This incident is no exception, and the Joes make quick work of the Cobra jets.  But as it turns out, Cobra Commander actually wanted his troops to lose.  It was all a plot to lure the Joes near his base so that he could shoot them down with his new secret weapon.

Down goes another Cobra jet

But wait, weren’t the Joes headed there anyway?  Cobra just wasted two jets for no good reason.

The Joes arrive at the Cobra base and we get to see two more staples of the cartoon: A massive Cobra base built in the middle of nowhere, and a new weapon which is actually effective at first.

Cobra architecture is not exactly subtle

The Cobras have built a sonic weapon, and since it is still early in the episode, it works effectively.  The Skystrikers get shaken apart, and the Joes are forced to bail out.  Cobra soldiers then take to their motorized hang gliders to pursue the fallen Joes.

If you were in a hang glider and were attacking someone on the ground, would you fly low enough so that they could jump up and grab you or throw sand in your face?  If so, you would make a good Cobra solider.

Ineffective!

Despite their idiotic strategy, the Cobras do eventually manage to capture the Joes in a giant net.

All that technology and they end up using a giant net

Ah, this episode features Destro!  Destro is the second in command of Cobra.  You can tell he is evil because he wears a metal mask.

Destro has what you might call a unique style

The Commander and Destro argue with each other.  They have a strange relationship, and behave almost like an old married couple.  They always insult each other, but yet Destro often calls the Commander “My dear Commander” and in turn, the Commander refers to Destro as “Noble Destro.”

Bolstered by his success against the Skystrikers, the Commander has become convinced that G.I.Joe is no longer a threat.  Destro – apparently more familiar with the typical outcome of Joe-Cobra conflicts - is less optimistic.

The Joe prisoners are brought into an arena of some sort.  Looking down on them is Cobra Commander.  The Joes proceed to insult him and get a hearty laugh out of it.  They don’t seem to be especially threatened, but considering that Cobra prisoners have a 100% rate of escape, they probably have no reason to be.

The Joes don't let imminent death stop them from having a good laugh

Cobra Commander receives a call – on a phone that looks like a snake, naturally – so he can’t witness the Joes demise.  Immediately after he leaves, a giant robotic crab crawls out of the ground and attacks the Joes.

Yes, Cobra Commander chose to build an arena and a giant robotic crab just in case he happened to capture any of the Joes.  Like I said, he’s got a weird relationship with them.

Someone's tax dollars at work

We then cut to the rest of the G.I.Joe team who have set up base at the palace of the Sheik.

The Joes are being led by Flint in this episode.  Scarlett tells Flint that she’s worried about the Joes that got shot down.  Flint says he is worried too, but it is a higher priority to prepare for an upcoming Cobra attack.  He assures her that “those guys can take care of themselves.”

Maybe he’s simply not worried because the Joes always manage to escape from Cobra.  But I’m starting to get the impression that Flint really doesn’t give a crap about the missing Joes at all.

Really, over the course of the series, Flint never seems very concerned when any of the Joes get captured.  In one episode, Duke (his superior officer) gets captured, and Flint seems almost giddy that he is now in charge.

The only time he seems concerned about missing or captive Joes is when it is his girlfriend Lady Jaye.  If she gets captured, then all of a sudden, rescue is the top priority.

But since Lady Jaye isn’t in this episode, the prisoners will apparently just have to fend for themselves.

Don't let the expression fool you. He's not worried. At all.

Unlike Flint, Scarlett is VERY concerned for her friends.  Typical woman; always worried about stuff.

Scarlett is determined to do something to rescue her friends.  She enlists Wild Bill – The team’s helicopter pilot and cowboy stereotype – to help her look for them.

I’ve noticed that for an elite military unit, the Joes ignore their leaders and abandon their posts pretty regularly.

Back at the Cobra base, the Joe prisoners determine that the robotic crab is tracking them via infrared sensors.  In a matter of five seconds, the Joes are able to make a small campfire, which they use to distract the crab.

Seriously. It took them five seconds to make this fire. These guys must have been amazing Boy Scouts.

Roadblock proceeds to throw Ace over the arena wall, where he takes out the Cobra guards with some nifty karate moves.

Hiiiiiii ya!

Ace then uses the guards’ lasers to attack the crab.  The crab may be resistant to lasers, but the door to the arena and the ceiling are not.

Do you think Cobra soldiers ever complained that they spent so much money on building robots, and skimped on the ceiling to the point where it would collapse from some laser fire?

Then again, considering that they had to build a new base in just about every episode, I guess it’s understandable that they wanted to cut some corners on construction costs.

That's just poor workmanship right there.

The Cobras pursue the Joes, but once again, when matched up directly against each other, the Joes win. 

I have doubts at how hard the Cobras were even trying.  At one point, an unarmed Roadblock merely growls at the Cobras and they run away.  Maybe they figured that since Cobra Commander cares more about giant crabs than their well-being, they shouldn’t give 100% effort.

And we’re now at the nation’s oil fields which are under attack by Cobra’s jets.  I’m not sure of Cobra’s strategy.  Are they trying to capture the oil fields or just trying to destroy them?

If they want to capture the oil, it might not be the best strategy to keep firing missiles at the tanks.  I’ve heard the stuff is flammable.

Oddly enough, the Cobras are being especially effective.  They’ve destroyed many of the Joe vehicles already.

Flint is pissed because most of his team is missing.  I can understand being upset about Scarlett and Wild Bill since they went AWOL.  But he was the one who didn’t care about Ace, Gung Ho, and Roadblock earlier.  Now that he needs them, all of a sudden he’s concerned?

Back at the Cobra base, the Joes have escaped from Cobra, but are now trapped in a cave with no apparent way out.  This is no problem for the ever-resourceful Joes who know that if you stick three laser guns in the ground and “overcharge” them, they’ll explode and open a huge hole in the ground.

Fortunately for the Joes there just happens to be an underground river in the middle of the desert.  They fall into the river, and eventually make their way outside where they’re conveniently spotted by Scarlett.

The Joes return to base and climb into the Skystrikers, ready to defend the oil fields against Cobra.

This raises the question: Why weren’t any of the other Joes piloting the Skystrikers?

While five of the Joes were missing, there were still plenty of others who could have flown them.  Instead, we saw the Joes try to shoot them down from the ground.  Didn’t they think it would be more helpful to have some of their own planes in the air?

Once the Skystrikers join the battle, Cobra reverts to their ineffective ways and have to quickly retreat.

Cobra sharpshooting at its finest

Nearby, the nation’s ruler – Sheik Ali - is watching the battle.  It isn’t explained why the ruler of a wealthy nation would be anywhere near the battle, let alone standing by himself in an open desert.  He is pretty much asking to be captured.  He gets his wish when Major Bludd and the other Cobras stumble across him.

One of the Joes – Airborne - gets a premonition that the Sheik is in trouble.  Apparently, Airborne has ESP.  Considering that he was only in about two episodes, this is a pretty big character trait for him.

Either I'm getting a migraine or the Sheik is in trouble!

He also sounds exactly like Optimus Prime.  For some reason as a child, I never realized that the same actors did most of the roles on both Transformers and G.I.Joe.

The Joes seek to rescue the Sheik, but they know that they can’t fly directly at the Cobra base due to their special sonic weapon.  But conveniently, as they discovered earlier, there is an underground river that runs directly underneath the Cobra base.  So a small team should be able to infiltrate the base using a boat.

Meanwhile, a few other Joes fly towards the base in the Skystrikers.  Naturally, the Cobras use their sonic weapon again, and force the Skystrikers to pull away.

But the Skystrikers were only a diversion!  The rest of the Joe team uses this opportunity to attack using non-motorized hang gliders!  Destro says that because the gliders have “no mechanism to shake apart” the sonic weapon is useless against them.

Wait…what?  Wouldn’t sound waves that are powerful enough to shake apart a jet also tear apart a hang glider?

Hang gliders - the ultimate weapons

I guess Destro knows what he’s talking about, because the weapon has no effect on the gliders.  The Joes are then able to easily destroy the sonic weapon.  Cobra Commander and Destro promptly blame each other and then try to escape the base in a helicopter along with Sheik Ali.

Just as they’re going to escape, Destro makes one of those baffling decisions that makes me suspect he’s actually a Joe spy working to sabotage Cobra from within.

He declares that having the Sheik as a prisoner does him no good, and throws him out of the helicopter before it takes off.  Apparently, Destro can’t see any usefulness in having the ruler of a wealthy nation as a hostage.

But as determined to thwart his own plans as Destro is, the Sheik is even more determined to sabotage his own cause.  He declares that Cobra Commander and Destro must pay for their crimes, so he jumps onto the helicopter as it takes off.

He clearly didn't think this all the way through

The Sheik either really wants to be a Cobra prisoner or he has a death wish.  What did he think he was going to accomplish by jumping onto the helicopter?

If Destro is indeed a Joe spy, he must be getting really frustrated at this point.  His motivation may be uncertain, but it is clear that he DOES NOT WANT THE SHEIK AS A PRISONER!  He kicks him off the helicopter yet again.

It looks like the Sheik is about to plunge to his death, when Scarlett is able to use her crossbow to shoot a rope around the Sheik and pull him to safety.  The Sheik will just have to kill himself some other day.

Afterwards, the Joes are treated to a banquet at the Sheik’s palace.  Scarlett thanks the Sheik for his generosity, but the Sheik reveals that his servants didn’t prepare the meal.

Instead, Roadblock and Wild Bill decided to cook some of their own specialties: barbecued hot links!

Um…aren’t Arabs forbidden to eat pork?  Good job, Joes!  You probably just caused an international incident.

Forget what you heard. 9/11 was retaliation for this.

In conclusion

It isn’t the greatest G.I.Joe episode ever, but it was still a pretty good one.  We got many of the usual elements including: ethnic stereotypes, inexplicable plot devices, and complete lack of understanding of the laws of physics.  Plus, I always enjoy episodes that feature Destro.

I’m also wondering if there wasn’t an anti-technology message being pushed by the writers.  After all, it wasn’t Cobra’s high-tech weapons that captured the Joes, it was a simple net.  And in the end, it was the non-motorized hang gliders that were crucial to victory.

Or maybe this is a children’s cartoon and I’m over thinking things a bit.  Yeah, that’s probably the case.

Of course, no G.I.Joe episode would be complete without the public service announcement at the end.  So I found one that features my namesake:

I’ll provide you with a little bonus analysis here:

0:01 – Why is the kid playing baseball in such nice clothes?  Everyone else seems to be wearing a uniform, but this kid is wearing a sweater and khakis.  You’d think he would at least take off the sweater if he was planning on sliding.

0:03 – The catcher is full of crap.  He was safe.

0:07 – Boy, that escalated quickly.  I mean, that really got out of hand fast.

0:09 – Fortunately, Cutter happens to be watching the game.  Good to see that our elite military troops take time out of their schedules to watch little league games.

0:17 – Cutter suggests finding an impartial third-party to settle things.  Well, why doesn’t he make the call?  Isn’t he impartial?  Wasn’t he watching the game?  The kid was clearly safe, so why doesn’t he just make the call and be done with it?

0:19 – The kids decide that “Johnny” can serve as ump.  If I was Cutter, I’d be a little more concerned about Johnny than with any fighting the kids might be doing.  This random older kid is just hanging out watching some kids play baseball and not rooting for either team?  I might check his name on sex offender lists.

0:24 – Cutter seems OK with this.  It seems like he wasn’t paying attention to the game, missed the call, and now he’s just happy that it won’t be up to him to settle the debate.  If he has to leave the kids’ fate in the hands of a sexual predator, so be it.

Now we know.  And knowing is half the battle.

Earlier this month, he asked me how the Hamburglar has managed to remain free for so many years.

This is a good question.  According to Wikipedia, the Hamburglar debuted in 1971.  So the guy’s been out there for over 40 years stealing hamburgers.  Yet nobody has done anything about this?

Well, I decided to look up some history on the Hamburglar to see if there was some explanation.

Apparently, when he first debuted, he was called The Lone Jogger:

Sadly, the fact that he’s called The Lone Jogger isn’t nearly the most unusual thing about that commercial.  If I was a child watching this, I think I’d be scared to eat at McDonald’s so as not to be attacked by the evil clown and his freak show friends.

Anyone familiar with the politics of McDonaldland (and who isn’t?) knows that Mayor McCheese is the elected leader of the town.  So why has McCheese allowed a known criminal to run free for all of these years?  Is he simply an incompetent leader?  Or is there a more sinister explanation?

It’s quite obvious that despite his political standing, Mayor McCheese is not actually the man (burger?) running things in McDonaldland.  He’s clearly just a puppet for the real power broker: Ronald McDonald.  And who is the man who always manages to stop the Hamburglar and end up looking like a hero?  That’s right, Ronald.

Is it possible that Ronald has told McCheese to allow the Hamburglar to run free so that he can continue to serve as town hero?  Is the Hamburglar simply a pawn in Ronald McDonald’s quest to hold on to his popularity and influence?

Fans of the movie Mystery Men might recognize this plot.  In the movie, Captain Amazing manipulates the judicial system so that his arch-nemesis Casanova Frankenstein is set free.

That was a strange movie.  Perhaps the strangest aspect of the film is that Janeane Garofalo was inexplicably kind of looking hot.  Also, Pee Wee Herman had a starring role.

As for the Hamburglar, perhaps there’s a more benign explanation aside from civil corruption.  Take a good look at the Hamburglar:

He always dresses in an outfit which looks like a Halloween costume.  He is obsessed with a particular food item.  He doesn’t seem to be able to speak in full words.

There’s a good chance that the Hamburglar not really a malevolent force.  More likely, he is simply a mentally challenged individual.  And the kind people of McDonaldland, knowing he is no real threat, simply indulge him in his games.

I’ve got to say, that’s very nice of them.  Perhaps we could all learn something from the citizens of McDonaldland.

And what do you know?  Apparently, just last month, the Hamburglar was arrested:

http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2011/11/23/Hamburglar-turns-self-in-to-police/UPI-67561322084496/

I guess we can all rest a little easier tonight.

Living in the DC area, I’ve seen year after year of the Redskins “winning the offseason.”  I’ve watched Redskins fans get excited as the team brings in big name talent, only to watch the team suffer through another disappointing season.

And still, I was fooled.  The Eagles made several major personnel moves in the offseason, and I was hooked.  I bought into the “Dream Team” hype.  I thought that this year’s team was going to be a bona-fide Super Bowl contender.

For years, Eagles fans have been waiting for the team to make a serious run.  While the team has been a relatively reliable playoff participant, it felt as if the team was always looking toward tomorrow at the expense of today.

We’ve had too many years of trading away their first round draft picks.  Too many years of drafting Kevin Kolbs – players who might help down the line, but aren’t going to do much to help the team in the upcoming season.

But this year, the Eagles were finally making moves that indicated that they were ready to win now.  Team president Joe Banner even announced that the team was “all-in” on the upcoming season.

I think back to the good old days of August.  The NFL lockout had just ended, and with only a limited amount of time before training camps began, offseason player movement was greatly condensed.  It felt like the Eagles were making another big move every day.

They traded for Pro Bowl cornerback Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie.  They signed Pro Bowl end Jason Babin.  They signed the top free agent available in cornerback Nnamdi Asomugha.

They also seemed to address other weaknesses with less glamorous moves.  Right tackle was a problem spot, so they brought in veteran Ryan Harris.  They needed a pass rushing defensive tackle, so Cullen Jenkins was signed.  Safety depth?  Here comes Jarrad Page!  Backup running back?  Let’s try out blue chip running back Ronnie Brown.

When all this was happening, Redskins fans were quietly offering some warnings.  Actually, most Redskins fans were bitter about the whole affair and seemed to be doing their best to rain on the parade of Eagles fans.  But perhaps more attention should have been paid to what they said.

Most Eagles fans countered that the Eagles weren’t anything like the Redskins in their spending spree.  The Redskins were a losing team trying to build a team via the big name acquisitions.  On the other hand, the Eagles were simply adding the finishing pieces to what was already a winning foundation.

And really, it is hard to fault the Eagles moves as the cause for this season’s failure even though some of the moves have been disappointing if not outright disastrous.

The real damage was that by making all of those flashy acquisitions, it blinded us to flaws that should have been glaringly obvious.

But now, the Eagles are officially eliminated from the playoffs.  And those flaws which we couldn’t – or wouldn’t – see in the offseason, are much more visible in hindsight.

Here are the main flaws that caused the team to disappoint:

1. They named their offensive line coach to be the defensive coordinator

The 2010 Eagles were a poor defensive team, so the firing of last season’s defensive coordinator made perfect sense.  Unfortunately, the team didn’t seem to have a plan as to how to replace him.

They talked to several candidates, and then finally settled on one of their own coaches: Juan Castillo.

Normally, there would be nothing that unusual about promoting one of the team’s coaches to the coordinator position.  The strangeness was due to Castillo being the team’s OFFENSIVE line coach.  He hadn’t coached defense since his days as a high school coach.

The Eagles explained that Castillo had long wanted to get back to the defensive side of the ball, and as offensive line coach, he had first hand knowledge of how to effectively attack an offense.

This didn’t seem to make much sense at the time.  And there is probably a reason why no other team in recent history had made such a move.

But then the Eagles started acquiring all of that defensive talent, and it looked like they were just going to put so much talent out there that Castillo would have an easy go of it.

I feel bad for Castillo, because he really wanted a chance to be a coordinator, and his failings aren’t from lack of effort.  But the move was destined to fail.  You can’t hire an inexperienced coordinator, bring in a bunch of new players, give him a truncated offseason to get acclimated, and expect the defense to play at a high level.

2. Flashy names aside, the defensive talent isn’t that good

While the Eagles have a ton of big-name talent on the defensive line and at cornerback, they are still weak at linebacker and safety.  In fact, even while they were in the midst of their offseason shopping spree, many people couldn’t figure out why they weren’t upgrading their linebackers.

They actually seemed to get worse in the offseason, allowing established guys like Quintin Mikell and Stewart Bradley leave. Instead, they went with guys who ranged from inconsistent to completely ineffective.

Of course, if the big names they had at cornerback had played up to their reputations, then maybe they could have helped compensate for the other weaknesses.  But the heralded trio of Asomugha, Rodgers-Cromartie, and Asante Samuel have not been able to mesh effectively and cornerback has not been the strength it was expected to be.

3. Throwing so much money around has caused problems

Wide receiver DeSean Jackson and cornerback Samuel are immensely talented.  But they are also known as locker room divas.

By bringing in – and paying – other guys, it served to insult them, and the play – of both them and the team – has suffered.

Through his first three years in the league, Jackson proved to be one of the most talented receivers in the game.  He was clearly underpaid from his rookie contract, and wanted to be signed to a new deal.

The Eagles also agree that he is underpaid and (at least before this season) wanted to give him a new deal.  Unfortunately, due to several factors, the two sides have been unable to reach an agreement.

There were already signs of this being a problem last season.  On more than one occasion, Jackson either pouted or acted distracted due to his contract situation.  After a midseason game in which he took a big hit and suffered a concussion, Jackson seemed more reluctant to catch passes in traffic and seemed to shy away from contact a bit.

Naturally, that dissatisfaction has carried over into this season.  First, he held out of training camp.  After he reported, he still made not so subtle hints that he was unhappy about his situation.

It is probably not a coincidence that Jackson has had a disappointing year.  He still seems to shy from contact.  He was suspended for a game for missing a meeting.  And he has not been nearly the big-play threat that he was before this season.

On the other hand, Samuel – brought in as a free agent three years ago – is still well compensated.  But he’s unhappy because after having a Pro Bowl year in 2010, the team brought in two other cornerbacks and made it known that they’d be willing to trade him.

Samuel was angry, and went as far as accusing the Eagles’ front office of playing “fantasy football.”

While I don’t know if the unhappiness of either player contributed towards the losing, distractions are rarely helpful to a football team.  Both players are talented, and theoretically could be team leaders.  When the team hit some adversity, they could have been two of the guys who helped lead the team out.

Instead, the unhappiness of both players seemed to help make a bad situation worse.

3. They had a rookie kicker and punter

The team allowed kicker David Akers to leave as a free agent.  Akers is the franchise’s greatest kicker, and a multiple-time Pro Bowler.  They replaced him with a rookie, and complimented him with another rookie as the punter.

Perhaps the most shocking thing about these moves is that the rookies haven’t really cost the team.  Of course, when a season is a disastrous as this one, any struggles by special teamers are trivialized.

4. Michael Vick – Not the savior we thought he was

Michael Vick is obviously one of the most talented players in the league.  And it’s always exciting to watch him play.  Yet, the evidence is piling up that a Vick-led team is never going to be a consistent winner.

Vick played amazingly well for most of the 2010 season, and was probably the biggest reason the team captured an unexpected division title.  But even during 2010 there were several warning signs indicating that trouble might be ahead.

Due to his style of play, Vick is more vulnerable to injury than most quarterbacks.  He holds the ball for a long time and doesn’t like to give up on plays.  He knows that even if all else fails, he can usually run his way out of trouble.

The problem is, that the more time he holds the ball, the more opportunity the defense has to hit him.  Vick also compounds this problem by usually not sliding or going out-of-bounds at the end of a play.

He missed a few games with a rib injury last season, and towards the end of the year, the cumulative effect of all the hits he had taken seemed to be detracting from his play.

The injuries have been more of a problem this season.  Early in the year, Vick had to leave two games due to injury.  Both times, the Eagles were leading when he left the game, but ultimately lost the game.

Last month, in a game against the Cardinals, he suffered broken ribs early in the game.  The injury clearly hampered him as he played poorly, and the team lost.  He then missed three more games in which the team went 1-2.

It is doubtful that Vick will make it through a full season healthy, so the team needs a reliable backup.  Vince Young – despite a nice comeback victory against the Giants – does not appear to be the answer.

Even when healthy, Vick has had a disappointing year.  Despite his claims that a full offseason as a starter would result in a monster year, there were reasons to believe that he might not match his performance of 2010.

As last season progressed, defenses seemed to have “figured him out” somewhat.  Most of his huge games came earlier in the season.  He also was very fortunate when it came to interceptions.  Many of his throws that could have been intercepted for some reason were not.  That kind of luck tends to not carry over season to season.

And sure enough, Vick has seemed to have bad luck in terms of interceptions, with several tipped or deflected passes getting picked off.

But bad luck aside, Vick has not had a good year.  He’s made too many poor decisions, and not enough game-changing plays to overcome them.

He has looked disturbingly like the pre-prison Atlanta Falcons version of himself: Talented, and capable of just about anything.  But also limited enough to keep him from ever being a championship-caliber quarterback.

5. Andy Reid is still Andy Reid

It is no secret that I am not a fan of Andy Reid.

I can’t say that he’s a bad head coach.  You don’t last as long with one team and have that much success if you’re a bad coach.  For the most part, his teams play well, and his players seem to like and respect him.  Even in this disappointing year, the team has continued to play hard throughout the season.

His biggest problem seems to be an almost arrogant overconfidence at times and an inability to adjust when necessary.  He also doesn’t seem to learn from mistakes, as the same problems plague this team year after year.

Clock management mistakes?  Still happening!  Ignoring the running game despite having one of the league’s best running backs?  Yes, that has been an issue this season as well.

So now that 2011 is officially a wasted year, is there any reason to hope that next year will be different?

I think so.  Problems aside, there is still a lot of talent on the team.  Some teams lose because they simply aren’t as talented as their opponents.  Aside from possibly the game against the Patriots, that wasn’t the cause for the Eagles’ losses.

They still have a lot of offensive talent, and their problems are nothing that better playcalling, smarter play, and better health by Vick can’t fix.  Of course, under Reid, it’s questionable whether any of those things will actually happen.

On defense, I expect Castillo to be replaced, and with a more experienced coordinator, the defense should improve.  And it seems improbable that they would go a second straight season without upgrading the talent at safety and linebacker.

So yes, there’s hope for next year.  Unfortunately, that doesn’t make the disappointment which we just suffered any easier to take.  It doesn’t make it any better to watch a team that I had such high hopes for not even make the playoffs.

And the worst thing about it is: I should have known better.