BGR and I decided to hold the first ever DC Area Moronathon this past weekend. The Moronathon originated in Amsterdam where BGR’s college friend came up with the concept. The Moronathon is essentially a combination of alcohol consumption and bizarre athletic competition.
In Amsterdam, they hold the event in a public park, so we thought that we should hold ours on the National Mall. Sadly, the US is a bit more anal about open containers, so considering that alcohol is involved, we would have to find a different location. We settled on the elementary school near our neighborhood.
We had everyone meet up at my condo. All competitors were supposed to drink two beers before the events started, but we were a bit lax on this requirement. Once most of the contestants had arrived, we walked over to the field and got things underway.
Twelve people were entered in the competition, which would consist of the following seven events:
Masterpunting – Players had to punt a football as far as they could, but the distance only counted if they were able to catch the ball. The person who had the furthest combined distance from three kicks was the winner. I’m happy to say that I won this event!
Fondle your Balls– Players had to roll an exercise ball around a diamond of cones, drinking a beer at each corner.
Hangman – The contestant would hang from monkeybars while the other players threw exercise and beach balls at him from the front and behind. This was probably everyone’s favorite event as it’s incredibly fun to throw exercise balls at defenseless people. When hanging, I had a lot of fun trying to kick away all the balls thrown at me.
Crabass Drunk– Players had to chug half a beer, crab walk down a field, chug the other half of the beer, and then crab walk back.
Elephantitis Dash – Players had to race by bouncing on exercise balls. If we do this again, we may have to tighten up the rules, as some people seemed to be running more than bouncing.
Reccos – That’s soccer spelled backwards. Players had to dribble an exercise ball backwards and then shoot it through a goal.
Beer Relay – Similar to Double Dare, and originally conceived by TooTall at the beach over Memorial Day, players had to pour a beer into large cup taped to their head, race around an obstacle course, fill up a cup and then chug the beer. Sadly, we were running low on beer at the time, so we only required everyone to use one beer, and not fill to a certain point. There was a bit of dispute over how much spillage should have been allowed.
After all events were completed, the scores were tallied, and our King Moron was Peter Mancrush, narrowly edging me out by one point. The top female competitor was Ms. Dramamine and she took home the Queen Moron trophy.
Afterwards, we all retreated to the community pool, where we engaged in fun activities like biggest splash contest and swim races. Sadly, nobody wanted to play Marco Polo with me. And while I can’t seem to make a big splash, I was the fastest swimmer!
We tried to order some Papa John’s for dinner, but for some reason, they lost our internet order, and didn’t seem capable of taking the order over the phone either. Instead, people went to McDonalds and Popeyes. I made sure to also head over to 7-11 to get my free Slurpee.
Next, we had a little bit of time to kill so we decided to do a Power Half-Hour. And since everyone was having so much fun, we extended it by an extra fifteen minutes, with a brief intermission to sing Happy Birthday to Sweaty and to eat some birthday cake.
Finally, we walked across our neighborhood to the home of Sandi (with an I) who was having a “Dress Like a Rock Star” party. I ordered a wig of long red hair to go as Axl Rose, but Mrs. Cutter kept pointing out that the wig was definitely womens hair. I kept reminding her that they typically do not make long red wigs for men. So this was as close as I was going to get.
The party featured piano playing (I got to sing Heart and Soul!), the “pen in the bottle” game, as well as the bag game. It’s hard to describe these games without seeing them for yourself. Just rest assured that they are extremely fun, and if you’re not careful, can lead to groin injuried. We also played Apples to Apples and Think While You Drink. I’m very proud to report that I was the winner when the category was 80s TV Shows.
At the end of the day, I was pretty done in. Running around for hours in the sun, swimming, and drinking mass quantities all the while, can leave a person pretty wiped out. Still, an excellent time was had by all, and I can definitely see us doing this again.