We have passed the eight month mark of Mrs. Cutter’s pregnancy. And now that we’re almost to the end, Mrs. Cutter is starting to reach the point where she’s thinking it might be a good idea to get the child out sooner rather than later.
Are we prepared? On paper, yes. We’ve read the books, attended classes, installed car seats, prepared the room, and done countless other things to prepare for the baby’s arrival. But in reality? Of course we’re not prepared. I don’t think anyone is actually prepared to have a child until they have one.
As we reach the endgame, we have a few requests to make. For anyone who has done any of these things, we are not mad about it. In your situation, we would have done the same thing. Mrs. Cutter even remarked that she did some of them herself before she got knocked up. But we’re asking you to please not do them anymore:
1. Asking “Are you excited?”
Neither one of us really knows how to answer this question. I don’t know if ‘excited’ is the word. Yes, we’re looking forward to the birth, but we’re also nervous as well. But when you ask us, we’re kind of at a loss for words, and it creates an awkward conversation.
2. Asking Mrs. Cutter how she’s feeling
She is feeling about as well as can be expected. But about as well as can be expected would probably be a pretty crappy day for non-pregnant people. So unless you REALLY want to hear all about what’s going on, I suggest you don’t ask.
3. Relaying horror stories about labor, the birth, or the first few weeks after birth
Telling a pregnant woman a story about someone going through a 36 hour labor is probably akin to showing Friday the 13th to a seven year old who is about to go away to summer camp for the first time. She really doesn’t want to hear it. She also does not want to hear about any difficulties that might arise. And if you have any stories that involve tearing, please keep them to yourselves. They aren’t helping.
And yes, we know we’re not going to get much sleep after the baby is born. I’ve noticed that people with children really seem to enjoy the fact that new parents are going to be thrust into their world of little sleep and doing everything according to the baby’s schedule. They seem to get a little gleam in their eyes, as if to say “Welcome to our pain.”
4. Commenting on Mrs. Cutter’s size
Whether you think she’s especially large or especially small, she really doesn’t care about your opinion, so please do not share it.
5. Touching Mrs. Cutter’s stomach
When a woman becomes pregnant, her stomach does not become public property. If you were standing on the Metro, and someone just came up and rubbed your stomach, would you like it? No! And when you’re pregnant, you appreciate it even less.
In other words:
DO NOT TOUCH MRS. CUTTER’S STOMACH!!! SHE MAY PUNCH YOU IF YOU DO!!!
Thank you for your time and consideration!