Bring on the Rapture!

So apparently the rapture is going to happen on Saturday:

Due to the religious practices of both Mrs. Cutter and I, there’s a good chance that if it does indeed go down, we’ll still be here afterwards.  And obviously the Cutlet will still be around since she will be needed on Earth in the days ahead.

Anyway, I’m guessing that the post-rapture world is going to be a bit different from what we’re all used to.  I can see both positives and negatives coming out of the situation.

But first, here’s some music to get you into the mood:

Did you know that Rapture is considered to be the first song that includes rapping to reach #1?

Positive outcome of the Rapture: No work on Monday

My boss is rather religious, so I’m thinking that he won’t be around on Monday.  And isn’t it an unwritten rule that if your boss disappears in the Rapture you get to take the day off? 

If I don’t show up, my co-workers will probably just assume that I was called up to heaven.  And then when I do go in a few days later, they’ll be so relieved to see me again, they won’t even care about my unannounced absence.

Also, with my boss – and possibly others – gone, this also may be a golden opportunity for advancement in my career! 

Negative outcome of the Rapture: Kickball may be cancelled

While their behavior doesn’t always show it, I’ve got to think that at least some people in my kickball league are religious.  And if a good chunk of the league disappears, there’s the danger that games (and possibly even the season) may be cancelled.  Even if most of the league remains on Earth, I would have to think that we’d probably cancel games on Sunday at least while everything gets sorted out.

I hate missing kickball games.  I get really pissy when games are cancelled because of rain, and I’m sure I won’t be any happier about this.

My team is also very good this year, and it would be a real shame to have the season cancelled before the playoffs could even begin.

Positive outcome of the Rapture: Looting

I love going to thrift stores and garage sales and looking through other people’s unwanted crap.  Well, if a large chunk of the population suddenly vanishes, the whole world will become one giant garage sale. 

I’m not sure if there are any set standards for such an event, but I’d guess the basic rule is “If you can carry it, it’s yours!”   Keep in mind that competition for some of the nicer items is going to be fierce.  It’s going to be like Black Friday times ten out there.

 Negative outcome of the Rapture: Good luck getting anywhere

I think it is safe to say that the Washington DC area may be less affected by the Rapture than the rest of the world.  Still, I’m sure there are some devout Christians in the area, and I’m sure that at least some of them will be driving on the Beltway when their ascension begins.

You’ve seen what happens on the Beltway when a car is simply stopped on the side of the road: Traffic gets backed up for miles. Now imagine hundreds of accidents caused by vanishing drivers.  It might take weeks to clean up the mess.

As for the Metro, I can’t see that being a viable alternative either.  I don’t know why the Rapture would cause Metro delays, but based on the organization’s track record, I’m sure that it will.  They’ll also probably use the decreased ridership as an excuse to raise fares yet again.

Negative outcome of the Rapture: The Phillies might lose Cliff Lee

Phillies fans love Cliff Lee.  Many were heartbroken when he was traded away last year, and we were all thrilled when he came back to the team as a free agent.

He seems like a nice guy, so I’m guessing there’s at least a decent chance that he is among those called up to heaven.  While that’s great for him, it would be a devastating blow to the Phillies fanbase to lose him once again.

Positive outcome of the Rapture: It might end the NFL lockout

Often in times of crisis, conflicting parties will put aside their differences and try to work together.  I’m hoping that the Rapture will cause NFL owners and players to gain some perspective and work out a deal.

Sadly, the way things are going, the Rapture might be the only thing that could get the 2011 season to start on time.

Negative outcome of the Rapture: We’ll need to find new day care

We send the Cutlet to day care at a Christian school, so there’s a good chance that many of the teachers and staff won’t be around on Monday.

It’s a shame, as her current day care is relatively cheap and convenient for us to get to.  And if we have to find a new daycare, it could take months on a waiting list just to get in.

Positive outcome of the Rapture: Jews will be the new majority

L’chaim!  It’s our time to shine!

So if this is my final blog, then I’d like to thank you all for reading.  If not, then I’ll be back next week, possibly with my long promised critical analysis of the G.I.Joe cartoon!


About The Cutter

I am the Cutter. I write some stuff. You might like it, you might not. Please decide for yourself.
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