Despite my complete and utter disinterest in them, I know way too much about the Kardashians.
I can not escape them. They have about ten shows on the E! network, and Mrs. Cutter has a series recording for them all on our DVR.
It may get to the point where I start recording random shows, just so there isn’t enough space to record the latest episode of Kim and Khloe Go to Boise or whatever the heck the latest spinoff is called.
As a sports fan, it pains me that I had no idea who Kris Humphries was before he married Kim Kardashian, and now he’s probably one of the five most famous players in the NBA. Even though he might actually help the Sixers on the court, I don’t want them to sign him out of principle.
Yesterday I was in the checkout line at Safeway. Normally this doesn’t take that long, but it was an especially busy day at the old supermarket. You might think that upon seeing that both non-express lanes were five customers deep, the staff might take a radical measure like opening another lane.
And to their credit, they did. Fifteen minutes later. Also, if you’ve only got two lanes open, maybe you shouldn’t have the world’s most deliberate cashier working one of them.
While I can appreciate the need to bag everything perfectly, after waiting in line for fifteen minutes, I’m not that particular about how everything is arranged in my bags.
Since I got to stand in the checkout line for so long, it gave me plenty of opportunity to read the various tabloid magazines on display.
Since these magazines are legally bound to feature a Kardashian on the cover at least once every three issues, I was able to learn even more about my favorite family.
Apparently Kourtney is pregnant. And her boyfriend, Scott Disick, is not happy about it.
Sadly, on two different occasions, I’ve seen Scott on TV and found myself either agreeing with him or laughing at something he said. And this was intentional comedy! I wasn’t just laughing at how much of a douche he was being.
Of course I hated myself afterwards.
Later on in the day, Mrs. Cutter was reading her US Weekly magazine. Shockingly, this issue also featured a Kardashian story. I reported the news to Mrs. Cutter that Scott wasn’t happy about his impending child.
She told me that the tabloid I read was incorrect, and Scott is in fact very happy that he will be having another child.
So now I don’t know what to believe. Well, I do believe that I can’t wait until this family’s 15 minutes are up. America has to get sick of them soon, right?
I know that they’re not above plastic surgery, so I’m sure they can artificially maintain a youthful appearance long past what would normally be possible. But even that’s got to have its limits, right?
My worst fear is that once their children are old enough, they’ll be given reality shows of their own. And then we’ll have another generation of these idiots on my television.
Crap, I hope I didn’t just give someone an idea.