My Fantasy Football “Victory” Speech

For most fantasy football leagues, the championship matchup will take place this week.

None of my three fantasy teams will be playing in the championship game.  That’s because none of my teams even qualified for the playoffs.

For someone who has a decent amount of football knowledge and does his weekly research, this is kind of embarrassing.

Adding to the embarrassment, in one of my leagues I managed to finish dead last.  And because this particular league “awards” a trophy to the last place finisher, I am going to have lasting physical evidence of my failure.

Since I have captured the last place trophy, I feel that an acceptance speech is in order.

There are so many people I want to thank…

My leaguemates

In most fantasy leagues, you’ll get at least one or two people who either consistently forget to update their team, give up once they’re out of contention, or simply stop caring.

Not in this league.  For some reason – possibly the threat of the last place trophy – everyone decided to keep trying until the very end.

So I didn’t have the luxury of outperforming that 1-9 team that was still starting Jamaal Charles weeks after he was put on IR.  Nope, it would take actual effort and performance to stay out of the cellar.

Andy Reid

My first round draft pick was LeSean McCoy.  McCoy has already set an Eagles single season touchdown record, and may capture the NFL rushing title.  That’s more than you could hope for from a first round pick, right?

Well, despite those numbers, McCoy was somehow under-utilized by the coaches.  For some reason, Reid often stopped giving the ball to McCoy in the fourth quarter of games.

Not only did this cost the Eagles some games, it also deprived me of some much-needed fantasy points.

Peyton Manning

When our draft took place, there were some questions about Manning’s status.  The reports were generally saying that he might miss a week or two, but he was still planning to play this season.  So I took him in the third round.

Manning seems like an honorable enough guy.  So why couldn’t he have been honest with everyone?  He knew he wasn’t playing this season!  Or at least he knew he wasn’t suiting up in the first half of the season.

It isn’t just that I wasted a third round pick.  The Manning pick also kept me from taking another quarterback until much later in the draft.

Of course, I could have selected a good quarterback to serve as my team’s backup.  I could have chosen someone reliable.  Instead, I went with…

Donovan McNabb

I’ll admit, this was a sentimental pick.  What can I say?  I missed the guy!  And I figured with Manning on my team, I wouldn’t need McNabb for more than a couple of games.  Surely, McNabb would be a decent enough fill-in, right?

I thought that being in Minnesota, paired with star running back Adrian Peterson, he might have a resurgent season.  I thought he might prove to the Redskins that the problems of last year were mostly their fault.

No, the only thing Donovan proved was that he’s pretty much washed up.

They say that in the last few years of their careers, quarterbacks will compensate for their declining physical skills with increased mental skills.

Donovan’s physical skills have certainly diminished.  But unfortunately, he doesn’t seem to be compensating on the mental side. It is very telling that you keep hearing reports that he has trouble learning the playbook or remembering the plays.

Reggie Bush and Nate Washington

These two guys should pay me money.  Seemingly, the only thing that stops them from having a big game is me putting them in my starting lineup.

It didn’t matter who their opponents were.  If I benched them, they were guaranteed to have a huge week.  If I started them, they would suck.

At least they helped give me a consistently awesome bench!

Antonio Gates

When healthy, he’s one of the best tight ends in football and puts up huge numbers. Here’s the problem: He’s become very injury prone, and misses a ton of games.

Really, I should have known better.

Last year, my team started off 6-0, and Gates was giving me about 20 points every week.  Then, he got hurt, and I was forced to choose from a series of underwhelming replacements.  I was then lucky to get 5 points out of my tight ends each week.

Like Manning, he entered this season claiming that his injury problems were behind him. Wrong.  Wrong!  He missed several games in the first half of the season, and I was once again left scrambling to find a replacement.

The fantasy gods

Success and failure in fantasy football is partially due to luck.  In a head-to-head style league, it doesn’t necessarily matter how many points your team scores, but rather how many your opponents score.

It’s quite disheartening to know that your players all had good weeks, and then check the scoreboard to find that your opponent’s guys were even better.

“Oh look, Drew Brees had 400 yards and four touchdowns!  And Larry Fitzgerald with a 3 TD game!”

My opponents did very well this season.  I managed to easily outpace the rest of the league in  points against.  It felt like every week, my opponent was putting up the highest point total in the league.

Also, would you like to guess how my players have done in the two weeks since I was eliminated?  Do you think that most of my players have had huge weeks?

You bet your sweet a$$ they did!  If these last two weeks counted for me, I would have been destroying people.

But while many people contributed to my last place showing, I would be remiss if I didn’t thank the person most crucial to winning the trophy…


Yes, you don’t finish last without making some bad decisions.  It was my own stupid fault for drafting Manning and Gates when there were plenty of warning signs.

I probably could have done more research and known which of my players were optimal starts, and not ended up with a high performing bench each week.

I shouldn’t have counted so heavily on Stephen Jackson and Anquan Boldin knowing that their teams’ offenses aren’t consistent enough to make them reliable fantasy options.

I should have realized that fantasy football is not the same as real life, and that Tim Tebow’s sub-100 yard passing games weren’t going to do me much good.

But whatever.

In the end, only one person in the league is going to end up as the champion.  Everyone else is just as much a loser as I am.  But at least I’ll get a trophy out of it!  That counts for something, right?


About The Cutter

I am the Cutter. I write some stuff. You might like it, you might not. Please decide for yourself.
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2 Responses to My Fantasy Football “Victory” Speech

  1. Jude says:

    Hello just wanted to give you a quick heads up.

    The words in your post seem to be running off the screen in Chrome.
    I’m not sure if this is a format issue or something to do with browser compatibility but I figured I’d
    post to let you know. The style and design look great though!
    Hope you get the issue fixed soon. Kudos

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