For my Christmas Day blog, I wanted to do something special. I wanted to write a post that summed up the spirit of the holiday.
So I decided to interview a man who seems to embody the spirit of Christmas. A man whose name has name has become near synonymous with the holiday.
Of course I am referring to singer Michael Bublé!
Bublé’s album of Christmas songs is currently #1 on the Billboard charts, and he also had a top rated variety special on TV earlier this month. So clearly he is now pop culture’s go-to guy when it comes to all things Christmas.
I asked him some questions in the hopes that I would be able to get a handle on the meaning of Christmas, or something enlightening along those lines.
Note: I refer to him as “MB” in the interview, because that accent on his name is a real bitch to type.
Cutter: Thanks for joining me today, Mike. Can I call you Mike?
MB: Sure. Call me anything you want, as long as you don’t call me late for dinner!
Cutter: (looks blankly for a few seconds) That’s how you want to start things off?
MB: Yeah, I guess that was kind of lame.
Cutter: No “kind of” about it. Anyway, your album is a big seller. To what do you owe your success?
MB: I’ve found that if there are two things that America loves, it’s Christmas and non-threatening pop music. Well, nobody does non-threatening music like I do! So the next logical step was for me to record a Christmas album. And BAM! Instant classic!
Cutter: I noticed that there are quite a few pop stars with Christmas albums out there. Were you worried that your album might get lost in the shuffle?
MB: Yeah, it’s definitely a crowded market out there. I may be a talented singer, but I wasn’t sure I could compete with Mariah Carey putting on a low-cut Santa dress. America loves non-threatening, but they also love boobies.
Cutter: At least it makes sense for her to do a Christmas album. Some of the albums I saw on sale at Target didn’t make a lot of sense? A Barry White Christmas? A Kristin Chenoweth Christmas?
MB: Kristin Chenoweth?
Cutter: She’s an actress. Been in a bunch of things like….um, Deck the Halls.
MB: Deck the Halls?
Cutter: Yeah, it was a Christmas movie with Matthew Broderick and Danny DeVito competing to see who could have the best Christmas lights display.
MB: And you watched that?
Cutter: It was on a bus trip. What else was I going to do?
MB: I don’t know. Maybe read or something? Has her album sold well?
Cutter: Not nearly as well as yours.
MB: Yeah! Score one for the Bublé!
Cutter: You’ve been on Saturday Night Live a couple of times and have actually come across as kind of funny.
MB: Now that bothers me a little. Why does everyone assume that I wouldn’t be funny?
Cutter: First of all, you’re Canadian. Canada may be great for unintentional comedy, but we don’t think of you guys when it comes to actual humor.
MB: What about Mike Myers?
Cutter: I think we all got a little sick of him by the time the third Austin Powers movie came out. Unless he’s doing the voice of a green ogre, I think I’ll pass.
MB: What about this? This was hilarious:
Cutter: Remember what I was saying about unintentional comedy?
And besides the Canadian thing, I guess that most people assume that since your music is so lacking in substance that you have no soul.
MB: But America loves empty and soulless! Why do you think Everybody Loves Raymond was so popular?
Cutter: I just assumed that there’s a huge Brad Garrett cult out there.
MB: Then why did ‘Til Death fail?
Cutter: Even cultists have their limits. And I wouldn’t even call it a failure! That show lasted four seasons, and there’s no logical reason that it should have. I watched a couple of episodes. It was beyond awful.
MB: Once again, why do you watch that crap?
Cutter: I honestly don’t know.
MB: And now you see why I sell so many albums. Americans don’t exactly have high standards.
Cutter: I guess not.
Let’s get back to talking about Christmas. Did you used to watch any children’s’ Christmas specials growing up? Or didn’t they have them in Canada?
MB: Of course we had them in Canada! You act as if it isn’t a civilized nation!
Cutter: Sorry, I just thought maybe you guys had different specials like “The Year Gordie Howe Saved Christmas,” or something.
MB: No, but I would totally watch that. But since you asked, my favorite was always Rudolph.
Cutter: I got into an argument with my stepmother-in-law about Rudolph when we were watching the movie The Santa Clause. I complained that Rudolph wasn’t in the movie. She said that he shouldn’t have been because he wasn’t one of Santa’s original reindeer. I said that by now, it’s pretty much canon that Rudolph leads Santa’s sleigh so he should have been included.
MB: I agree with you. Rudolph leads Santa’s sleigh.
Cutter: We watched the movie Santa Claus is Coming to Town the other night. It told Santa’s origin story.
MB: Santa Claus is Coming to Town? Is that a request?
Cutter: Um, it wasn’t really, but thanks.
MB: There was a Santa Claus is Coming to Town movie? I don’t remember that one.
Cutter: Neither did I, but it was very interesting. Apparently, Santa is a ginger!
MB: Really? I liked the one with the Heat Miser.
Cutter: A Year Without a Santa Claus! That one is awesome!
MB: (sings) I’m Mister Green Christmas. I’m Mister Sun. I’m Mister Heat Blister. I’m Mister One-hundred-and-one.
Speaking of Christmas themed movies, I watched The Cleveland Show’s parody of Die Hard last week. I realized I hadn’t seen that movie in a long time. I basically forgot most of what they referenced in the parody.
Then again, I’m not a huge fan of those parodies. They’re basically just referencing stuff from the movies without really adding anything.
MB: And once again proof that America has no taste. The Cleveland Show is still on the air.
Cutter: Oh right. They made fun of you, didn’t they?
MB: You know damn well they made fun of me! I read what you wrote about my Christmas special.
Cutter: Ah, come on, that was all in good fun. I mean, you had Justin Bieber on! You gotta expect some mockery.
MB: Make fun of him all you want, but that little bastard-maker equals ratings.
Cutter: So the baby isn’t his, huh?
MB: No, but it could have been. The kid pulls tons. He could probably cock block DiCaprio at this point.
Cutter: Do girls even like Leonardo DiCaprio anymore? He hasn’t really aged well.
MB: You’re telling me. I met him once and couldn’t believe it was the same guy from Titanic.
Cutter: Apparently teenage boys are trying to dress and do their hair like Justin Bieber now.
MB: Ugh. Why don’t they try to emulate someone better looking? Like me!
Cutter: You know, one time, I did one of those online “What celebrity do you look like?” games, and you were one of the choices.
MB: Really? I don’t see it.
Cutter: Me neither, but keep in mind that Andie McDowell was also one of the choices.
MB: The girl from Groundhog Day?
MB: Well, she is a good-looking woman. She’s certainly no Jennifer Love Hewitt in the acting department though.
Cutter: Good point. But then again, who is?
We’re running out of time. Anything else you’d like to tell the people about Christmas?
MB: No, but I am wondering something.
Cutter: What’s that?
MB: Are you starting to become concerned that between this and the “conversations” you sometimes have with your daughter, that you might be suffering from some sort of psychological condition?
Cutter: The thought did occur to me.
MB: Well, the first step is admitting you have a problem.
Cutter: Before you go, would you like to sing one more song for the people?
MB: You don’t have to ask me twice!
Cutter and MB: Merry Christmas, everybody! Enjoy your day!