Happy Times with Glee!

Since some people complain that I blog about sports too often, I decided to blog about the complete opposite of sports: Glee!

I know nothing about this show, except that it features high school kids singing and Jane Lynch plays Sue Sylvester.  I only know this because as a kickball captain, I was once compared to her.  I am still not sure if it was a compliment.  Probably not.

Being completely unfamiliar with the show, and watching a random mid-season episode, I was a bit lost at some points.  On a couple of occasions, I had to refer to Mrs. Cutter for help as to what exactly was going on.

We start off with a Jewish looking girl talking to a guy who appears to be gay.  Moments later, my suspicions are confirmed, and it turns out he is indeed very gay.  This should not be a huge surprise, as I estimate that 90% of the male characters on this show are gay.  As a straight male, I’m not entirely sure that I’m allowed to be watching this.

They are approached by some guy wearing a red trimmed blazer.  Mrs. Cutter explains that Blazer Boy goes to the rival high school.  I ask her why he is at their school, and she says that he comes by to taunt them sometimes.  Apparently, his school doesn’t have a very strict truancy policy.

We learn the purpose for Blazer Boy’s visit:  He hands them a picture of a naked guy (Jewish Girl’s fiancée) and says that unless they drop out of some competition, he’s going to release those pictures.  Dastardly!

Jewish Girl and Fiancée begin arguing about how to proceed.  He wants her to drop out of the competition, because he is understandably reluctant to have these pictures get out there.  She says that they need to win this competition to ensure their future.

What the hell is this competition and why is it so important to their future?  I assume that since this is Glee, the competition involves singing in some way, but I don’t understand why they seem to think it is so important to their future?  Do they win scholarships or something?

The actor who plays Fiancée seems like a poor man’s Chris Klein (Oz from American Pie) in that he never seems quite sure if the line he said was the correct one.

Next, we see Sue Sylvester reveal to a blond girl that she is pregnant.  This is quite a surprise to me.  Considering how many characters on this show are gay, I certainly didn’t expect her to be one of the straight ones.

I gather that the blond girl had a baby, and dropped out of the cheerleader squad because of it.  And now she wants back on the team.  But Sue tells her that it wouldn’t be fair to the others who had been working hard all year.

I know she is supposed to be the villain and all, but she’s got a point.  Why does she get to stroll back in and take someone’s spot?  You were the one who chose to have a baby.  Deal with it, and keep it in your pants next time.

We then cut to the locker room to see some guy walk in and find the word “FAG” painted on his locker.  Upon seeing it, he looks upset, and some of the other students harass him.

Mrs. Cutter helpfully provides me some back story: He used to be a football player and would bully gay people.  But it was all just an act to help conceal his own homosexuality.

For some reason, a kid in a red sweater begins to sing a song as we get a montage of Outed Bully’s reaction to his secret being revealed.  The montage ends with him hanging himself.

Um, isn’t this supposed to be a happy show?

As we return from commercial, we find that he only attempted suicide, and he’s not actually dead.

Jewish Girl and Fiancée have a happy reunion in the hallway.  They decide that if they win the competition, they’re going to get married afterwards.  Getting married while still in high school?  Yeah, that should work out just fine.

Next, we join a meeting of the Glee club.  We learn that one member of the Glee club has never had peanut butter before, and he’s going to try it for the first time.  This is supposed to show the kids that there are all sorts of new experiences that they have to live for, and no matter how bad things look, they should never kill themselves.

My question is: How does someone go that long in their life without having peanut butter?  That doesn’t seem possible.  I mean, I could understand if he had a peanut allergy, but that clearly doesn’t seem to be the case, since he is about to try some now.

Then again, considering what else happens in this episode, a kid dying from a peanut allergy would fit in quite well.

Now we’re at the big competition, and there’s quite an enthusiastic crowd on hand.

One of the judges for the competition is oddly dressed up like a vampire.  I don’t mean that he’s just wearing gothic clothes.  No, he is wearing a full vampire costume with makeup.  And for some reason, the crowd goes absolutely crazy for him.

I turn to Mrs. Cutter for help, but even she can’t explain this one.

The team with the red-trimmed blazers is competing first, and they impress the crowd.  Next up are some girls wearing purple.  They don’t show much of their performance, but we’re led to believe that it was really good, because the Glee kids seem to be freaked out by how good it was.

The Glee kids perform, and they rock the house.  Their performance is made to seem much more impressive through the use of smoke effects.  That doesn’t seem quite fair.  Did all of the teams have the option of using smoke effects?

The girls in the group follow that song up with a second number.  It seems like they added a few girls here.  I don’t remember there being that many earlier.

I’m ask Mrs. Cutter if all the members of the Glee club have actual developed characters, or if this is a Lost situation where there’s a bunch of randoms in the group who never speak or do anything of note.  She says that there are definitely a few “redshirts” in the group.

Now the Jewish girl gets a solo.  Mrs. Cutter points out that she’s the star of the group, and that she has two fathers.  And special bonus: One of them is Jeff Goldblum!  My enjoyment of this show just increased tenfold.

Meanwhile, Blazer Boy is in the audience, watching her performance, and is happily cheering and clapping along.  Isn’t he the bad guy?  Shouldn’t he be disdainfully sneering?

After everyone has performed, a coffin is wheeled onto stage, and the vampire judge emerges, once again receiving thunderous applause.  And when he announces the Glee kids as the winners, the crowd goes nuts!

Sue was watching the competition, and it apparently caused her heart to grow ten times.  When she talks to Teen Mom again, she allows Teen Mom to rejoin the cheer team!  I guess all the other girls can go f*** themselves.

Apparently, we couldn’t have the good feelings last, as we see Outed Bully in his hospital bed.  He’s visited by one of the kids he had tried to bully and they promise to be friends or something.  I’m having trouble paying attention because I’m too distracted by how pale this kid is.

Sue and the Glee coach have a happy moment as well.  They are apparently going to team up to help the Glee club win the next round of the competition.  Way to go all Rocky III on us!

Now, it’s time for the wedding, and the parents – including Jeff Goldblum! – are plotting to break it up.  They quite wisely realize that this marriage is destined to fail.

Teen Mom had to drive home to get her bridesmaid dress, so the wedding is being delayed.  It seems strange that they have bridesmaids dresses when they’re just getting married at the local courthouse.  If you wanted to have fancy bridesmaids dresses and the like, why rush the wedding?

And didn’t they just decide to get married this week?  How did they manage to pick out bridesmaids dresses in that amount of time?

I guess they had nothing else to do this week.  Except of course for going to school and practicing for the WORLD’S MOST IMPORTANT COMPETITION!

I’m not sure why Teen Mom is running so late, but she’s holding up the ceremony.  Jewish Girl impatiently texts her to ask her status.  When trying to return a text, she runs an intersection and gets hit by a car.

And that is how the show ends.

What the hell kind of evil show is this?

I thought this was supposed to be a feel-good, happy show.  Instead, we got four “very special episodes” piled into one!  We dealt with bullying, suicide, teenage marriage, and texting while driving.

That was like the complete opposite of happy and uplifting.  I think the last ten minutes of Requiem for a Dream were more cheerful than that.

So my recommendation to everyone out there: Don’t watch Glee!  It is evil and makes you want to cry!

About The Cutter

I am the Cutter. I write some stuff. You might like it, you might not. Please decide for yourself.
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