For anyone who was really impressed by my post on gay marriage, I’m about to bring your opinion of me down a couple of notches. I present to you what is assuredly my most sexist post yet!
I considered my group of male friends and tried to decide which of them were the most thoughtful and intellectual. I instantly ruled them out for this post. Instead, I sent an email to Dribbles, Squinty, and Sweaty, listing four female celebrities with the simple question: Would you?
I gathered their responses and added some thoughts of my own for each celeb.
Dribbles: Yes I would, but I’d be a little frightened to see her the next morning without makeup.
Sweaty: Yes, solely so I could have a best-selling song written about me when I break her poor heart afterwards.
Squinty: No, because she’s British and annoying.
Cutter: Yes, If she can generate that much power singing, I’m at least a little intrigued by what else she can do.
Dribbles: No. You wouldn’t know if she was excited or not because she’s had the same facial expression since 1988. Plus, who wants to go where all the Allman Brothers have been?
Sweaty: No, not even before she became a member of AARP. There’s something kind of wrong with her face.
Cher: Yes, because I like them older. Plus, she looks like she’s only 30, so you get the best of both worlds!
Cutter: No, I imagine it would be like doing a department store mannequin.
Dribbles: No. I like crazy, but not bats*** crazy.
Sweaty: Yes, and I don’t know why.
Squinty: Yes, I’m intrigued. But I’d be sure to double wrap it.
Cutter: No. She reminds me of the type of girl who’d be really annoying to talk to all night, but guys would then talk themselves into at last call. They’d all probably really regret it the next morning.
Dribbles: Yes, she’s on my list. There’s something about her that I really like. Maybe it’s her great personality and breasts.
Sweaty: No, I wouldn’t want Ozzy to track me down and bite my head off. I’d much rather do Sharon, now that’s some quality @$$.
Squinty: No, she’s fugly.
Cutter: No. And I have to ask: Why is she even still famous? Shouldn’t her fifteen minutes be up?
Mrs. Cutter was watching the show Fashion Police starring Kelly and Joan Rivers. I was absolutely amazed that this show exists. I’m having trouble thinking of two people who I would be less likely to take style advice from.
Seriously, I might take fashion advice from the homeless guy on Rockville Pike over those two. He always wears camouflage pants, so I know he’s at least got some good taste.
Consensus: Hell, no.
Don’t worry, ladies. In the coming week, I’ll turn the tables and have some women give their opinion on some male celebs.