I’ve decided to add what I hope will be a recurring feature to The Cutter Rambles.
Every so often, I will present two songs and have them compete for a given title. The title could be something like “Best Stripper Song” or “Best Song Sampled by P Diddy.”
(Offhand, I’d say that Pour Some Sugar on Me and Kashmir would be the early favorites for those titles)
Without further delay, I’d like to introduce the first installment of…
Yes, I’m aware that name sucks. For some reason, I’m drawing a creative blank. If anyone has any suggestions, I’m very open to hearing them.
Also, if anyone is good with Paint or Photo Shop and wants to create a fun banner for it, that would be very appreciated. Heck, if you suck at Paint and Photo Shop and still want to give it a try, that would still be appreciated, and probably funnier.
Our inaugural Song Battle requires a little background information.
Last week, Mrs. Cutter was planning to make a Valentines Day mix for her yoga class. She made a request on Facebook, asking if anyone had any good suggestions for love songs that she could include.
As it turns out, some of her Facebook friends (as well as her husband) can sometimes be unhelpful. We provided some suggestions that, while hilarious, were not exactly appropriate choices for a romantic Valentines Day mix.
On the other hand, it did inspire me to come up with today’s Song Battle. The title that the songs will be battling over is:
Least Appropriate Valentines Day Mix Song
Today’s competitors are:
Closer by Nine Inch Nails
Put it in Your Mouth by Akinyele
A word of warning here. Both songs are a little NSFW. And by “a little,” I mean “very.”
Obviously, there’s only one way to properly determine the winner of this battle: A “Dr. Jack style” breakdown!
Inappropriateness of Song Title
Closer is a fairly benign title. At first glance, it seems like it could potentially be a romantic song. On the other hand, based on the title, it would be rather difficult to misinterpret what PIIYM is about.
Closer sets the tone in its first line: “You let me violate you.” There’s nothing too romantic about that.
In contrast, PIIYM, starts out as if it might be a serious romantic song, or possibly an upbeat little breakup ditty. (Although once you get to the chorus, it becomes VERY obvious that it isn’t.)
Closer never really elevates things to the next level. Sure, Trent is talking about f***ing you like an animal, but really, that’s not THAT bad, right?
Akinyele…well, he’s not leaving too much to the imagination.
Unfortunate side story: Last year, my daughter was going through a phase where she was being especially picky at meal time. In an attempt to get her to try some food, I absent-mindedly began to sing PIIYM.
I quickly realized my mistake.
Would a woman slap you for playing this?
You’d better feel really secure in your relationship if you played either of these songs to a woman on Valentines Day. Actually, you’d better feel secure in your relationship if you played either of these songs any day of the year.
But this one isn’t a competition at all. As I’ll discuss next, Closer probably isn’t going to get you slapped, but I could see some women finding Akinyele’s lyrical plea for fellatio to be a bit slap-worthy.
Would a woman call the police if you played this?
PIIYM may be inappropriate, but at least it is clearly all in fun. If the police got called every time a guy wanted a BJ, we’d all be in prison.
On the other hand, playing Closer for a woman might be an indication that you’re planning to wear her skin.
Everyone’s going to think that Closer wins this easily. And yet…
I remember being in college, sitting around the fraternity house watching music videos. The video for Closer came on, and everyone got excited, thinking, “Oh yeah, this song is awesome.”
But we soon realized that the song drags at the end. It just keeps going on and on, and by the time it’s finished, you are quite relieved that it is out of your life.
PIIYM keeps you engaged throughout. Plus, it has parts for both men and women to sing along to!
If you played PIIYM at a party or bar, everyone would be laughing and having a good time. If you played Closer, everyone would be thinking about calling it a night.
So even if the girl isn’t into oral sex, she’s still probably going to like hearing PIIYM more. Unless of course, she’s a goth chick or something. In that case, all bets are off.
Both songs are even at 3-3, so looks like I’ve got to break the tie.
If you’re going to have a mix of sappy romantic songs on a mix, at least Closer would fit in a little better. The pace and tone could potentially mesh with some other songs in the mix.
And if you try hard enough, you could probably interpret Closer as somewhat of a romantic song.
PIIYM is just a crude rap song about oral sex. It might be funny, but romantic? Not at all.
Therefore, the winner of the very first Song Battle is…
Put it in Your Mouth by Akinyele!