Continuing on from yesterday’s post, here are some more happenings from our cruise.
On Sunday, our ship was docked at Nassau in the Bahamas. With no pressing business to attend to, we spent the morning walking around town. Once we got past all of the locals peddling taxi rides (and there were certainly a lot of them), we headed to the local shopping area. By my estimation, the shopping area consists of 90% jewelry stores. The women in the group were MUCH more excited about this than the men.
After we had gotten our fill of shopping, we headed to everyone’s favorite tourist trap bar: Señor Frogs! Despite being early on a Sunday afternoon, the Frog was hopping. There was a hype man, free shots being given out, and even a baby in the bar. (I can’t imagine what the parents were thinking.)
Upon seeing a group of girls in the bar, Mrs. Cutter was left temporarily confused. “I don’t get it! They’re all hot. Where’s the ugly one?” Seconds later, Mrs. Cutter felt a great sense of relief as she spotted the unattractive friend wearing an inappropriately small outfit.
After a couple of yard drinks, Mrs. Cutter decided that I was sufficiently liquored up, and dragged me back to one of the jewelry stores. Apparently, the jewelry stores also realize that liquor helps convince people to make expensive purchases. One store had a cooler of Bahama Mama drinks just sitting out on the counter. And at the store we went to, the sales lady grabbed our glasses, and quickly returned with them filled with alcohol.
Mr. Sexy Legs
Back on the boat, we headed to the pool where the ship’s staff was running some games. One of them was called Mr. Sexy Legs, in which male contestants had to dance and show off their legs to a group of cougarish female judges. (Honestly, I shouldn’t call them cougars as they were probably the same age as me. But they were older than you would have expected. And let’s just say they really enjoyed the attention they received from the contestants)
Since I’m apparently somewhat of an attention whore (and in possession of some mighty fine legs) I volunteered to participate. Surprisingly, despite having been drinking most of the day, I was one of the more sober contestants. Here’s a sample of some of the people I was competing against:
Giant Dan – He must have been about 6’5″ and kept picking up the host of the game.
Seahawks Jersey Guy – A guy wearing a Seattle Seahawks jersey who kept trying to get the other contestants to do the Harlem Shake.
European Speedo Guy – Some European guy in a Speedo who started to dance suggestively with all of the judges. As soon as I saw him come up, I had a feeling that things were going to get a little rapey.
Scotty – He had Wolverine style mutton chops, liked to do backflips off the stage, and had seemingly sampled some of the local agriculture earlier that afternoon.
I thought I turned in a solid performance, (It involved a dramatic removal of my hooded shirt and crawling on the floor) but the title of “Mr. Sexy Legs” was given to the oldest contestant in the game. Considering he almost ran off in fear when he saw what the other contestants were doing, I’d say the honor was well deserved.
On our last cruise, Mrs. Cutter and I were chosen to take part in the “Not-So-Newlywed Game”. Despite some differences in opinion as to whether or not I had a flatulence problem, we were named the winners of that game, and the celebration lasted long into the night.
When we saw that they’d be once again having that game on this cruise, we tried to get chosen so that we could defend our title. Sadly, they went with another couple instead of us. I consider that to be their loss.
Undaunted, there was another game show for couples the following night. We weren’t sure what the Perfect Couple game would entail, but it didn’t stop us from volunteering.
The game consisted of the couples competing in various physical challenges:
1. Lap Dance – I had to perform a lap dance for Mrs. Cutter. Despite what I considered to be a sub par performance, we somehow were voted the best by the crowd. (It might have helped that we had our own personal cheering section.)
2. Lemon Roll – Mrs. Cutter had to roll a frozen lemon up the leg of my shorts and down the other leg three times. (You really had to be there.) Originally, they told us that instead of a lemon, we would have to use a pineapple. I was told that the look on my face when faced with the prospect of having a pineapple stuffed up my shorts was priceless.
3. Toilet Paper Target – I held a roll of toilet paper between my legs while Mrs. Cutter was blindfolded and given a long pole which she held between her legs. She had to maneuver the pole into the roll of TP while I gave her instructions.
The crowd really got a kick out of my instructions. “To the left! The left! Why aren’t you going to the left? OK, down. Now Push! PUSH!” Despite my best efforts, we only finished with the second best time.
4. Balloon Pop – Mrs. Cutter had to place balloons between her legs, walk them over to me, and then pop them between our bodies in a somewhat suggestive manner. For one balloon, I had to brace myself against a chair while Mrs. Cutter tried to pop it against my buttocks. (The experience was enhanced by the children watching the event) For the last balloon, I had to lay down on the floor while Mrs. Cutter basically jumped down on top of me.
We had the fastest time in this event, and with the lowest cumulative time for all events, we were declared the winners! We were given a bottle of champagne, a free T-shirt, and we received the adulation of our friends. (Apparently, they all said that it was their favorite part of the trip) Sadly, Mrs. Cutter wouldn’t let me keep the lemon that had been rolled up my shorts, despite my pleas to save our “love lemon.”
Sadly, all good things must come to an end. On Monday, the ship returned to Miami, and we were forced to disembark.
Fortunately, we had our little girl waiting for us at home, which made it much easier to deal with the end of our vacation. We headed home where the Cutlet was very happy to see us return (and even happier to see the gifts that we had gotten for her).
It was an incredibly fun trip, and I hope that we get to repeat the experience some day soon.