What’s this? Two posts in one day? That’s right. I decided to give you not one, but TWO installments of the Fear Boger’s adventure.
Last time, The Fear Boger ate a donut that was laced with drugs. While under the influence, he entered the zebra cage at the zoo and was mauled to death.
FB: Whoa, so that was weird. I was talking to Spearmint, and we played Halo, and then there was a zebra or something.
Now, where the heck am I? And why’s it so dark in here?
Anubis: (In a loud, booming voice) Welcome to the underworld, Fear Boger!
FB: Holy crap! A talking dog! Where’d you come from?
Anubis: I am Anubis, lord of the underworld! I am here to serve as your guide through the afterlife!
FB: The afterlife? Wait – I’m dead???
Anubis: Yes, that’s what tends to happen when you get mauled by a zebra and lie there bleeding for a few hours.
FB: Note to self: No more donuts from Spearmint. Anyway…What was your name? Adonis?
Anubis: Anubis. Lord of the underworld. You’ve never heard of me? I’m kind of a big deal in Egyptian mythology.
FB: Yeah, well news flash: This is America. We don’t worship gods who look like dogs. We have cool gods like Thor!
Anubis: I am not a dog! I’m a jackal! And “news flash” to you: This is not America! This is the underworld, and I’m the god in charge!
FB: Why was I sent to the Egyptian underworld anyway?
Anubis: Everyone gets sent here, not just Egyptians. Their mythology wasn’t too accurate in most aspects, but for some reason, they were correct about me.
Now, please allow me to guide you to your permanent home.
FB: But, I can’t be dead! I still need to discover the meaning of Christmas!
Anubis: Perhaps you should have thought of that before you climbed in that zebra cage.
FB: Yeah, that was a mistake. I get it. But can’t you give me another chance at life?
Anubis: No. You’re dead. It’s kind of a permanent thing, you know?
Anubis: Ugh. I hate it when people whine. Since it’s the holiday season and all, I’ll be generous, and give you another chance to live. But first, you must answer a riddle!
FB: Ooh, okay! I love riddles!
Anubis: Why did the boy throw a clock out of the window?
FB: Because he wanted to see time fly?
Anubis: Correct! You may return to the earthly plane!
FB: That’s it? That’s the riddle that people have to answer in order to be reborn?
Anubis: (Stops talking with the booming, echoing voice and begins speaking in a hushed whisper) Listen, dude. I’m not supposed to be doing this. I’m just supposed to take you directly to the afterlife. But now, if they ask, I can at least say that you proved yourself worthy of another chance. So you get to live again. Merry Christmas.
FB: Why does an ancient Egyptian god even care about Christmas anyway?
Anubis: Okay, you got me. If I took you to where you’re supposed to go, I’d have to walk all the way down that hallway, and then all the way back. And I’m feeling lazy. So just go back to Earth. It’s right through that door. And be more careful next time!
FB: I will! Thanks a lot!
Now that he’s been given a second chance at life, will the Fear Boger fulfill his quest to discover the meaning of Christmas? Or will he just go get high again and die? Find out next time!
As a special reward for everyone who powered through both of today’s posts, I am going to allow the readers to decide the topic of tomorrow’s post.
Should tomorrow’s post be about:
- Dollar Tree?
- The 1992 Dream Team?
(Just so you know, there’s a very good chance that the other two topics will be covered at a later date. But who wants to wait until later?)