The last time we saw the Fear Boger, he was speaking to baseball Hall of Famer Barry Bonds in order to discover the true meaning of Christmas. While Bonds didn’t offer much immediate help, his words did provide the Fear Boger with some inspiration.
FB: After talking to Barry, I now realize that there might be only one way for me to truly get into the Christmas spirit this year: Drugs. So I decided to pay a visit to my good friend Spearmint. He’s a talking platypus. And he deals.
FB: Hey, Spearmint! What’s happening?
Spearmint: (In a blatantly fake Jamaican accent) Fear Boger, mon! Long time, no see. What’s happening? You want some of the weed, no?
FB: Of course. What’s with the accent?
Spearmint: Sorry, mon. People seem to like it better when they get their drugs from someone who talks like this. Stupid, white kids, huh?
FB: Yeah. So can you help me out?
Spearmint: No can do, mon. I’m all out!
FB: All out? All out??? How could you be all out?
Spearmint: What can I say, mon? It’s the holidays! People want to get baked to deal with the stress! But don’t be all upset. We can still chill and play the Xbox or sometin’!
FB: XBox One?
Spearmint: How much money you think I make? Original XBox, mon! From 2000 or whenever!
FB: Does that even still work?
Spearmint: No doubt! We can play the Halo!
FB: Listen, it’s nothing personal, but I haven’t played video games sober in about fifteen years, and I don’t want to start now. I’m trying to discover the meaning of Christmas, and I don’t think I can do it without drugs. You don’t have anything?
Spearmint: Well, I got this donut. I think it be laced with something. You want to try it?
FB: I guess it’s better than nothing!
FB: Wheee! *chants* This is awesome! This is awesome!
FB: I have no idea where I am, and I DON’T CARE! Because EVERYTHING IS F***ING MAGICAL! MAGICAL!!!! And look, I have found a friendly talking zebra who wants to wish me well!
Zebra: Hello, Fear Boger. My name is Zigatha. I am an ancient spirit from another plane of existence whose consciousness has been transferred into the body of this zebra.
FB: Holy s***, that sounds awesome. So do you think that you can help me discover the meaning of Christmas?
Zebra: No. I’m not really an ancient spirit. I can’t even really talk. You’re stoned off your gourd right now, and snuck into the zebra cage at the zoo.
FB: Oh, bummer.
Zebra: Want to know the worst part? Zebras are extremely unfriendly and aggressive animals who don’t like to be approached. In fact, I’m mauling you to death right now.
Is this the end of the Fear Boger? Has his quest to discover the meaning of Christmas been prematurely ended at the hooves of an irate zebra? Find out later today….