Last time… After being mauled by a zebra, the Fear Boger died and found himself in the underworld. After having a conversation with the ancient Egyptian god Anubis, the Fear Boger was given a second chance at life.
FB: I’m alive! I’m alive! Now I can continue on my quest to discover the meaning of Christmas!
Best of all, my rebirth has given me an idea. To figure out the true meaning of Christmas, I need to talk to someone else who went through a similar experience. Someone who represents all that is good and pure in the world, and has been used as an example for many. Someone who once died to help save mankind, only to later be resurrected.
Obviously, I’m talking about the greatest Autobot leader of all time, Opt-
(The Fear Boger is interrupted by loud music) YOU GOT THE TOUCH! YOU GOT THE POWER!
Note: The above sequence will seem cooler if you imagine hearing the “transformation” sound effect that they used in the Transformers cartoon.
Rodimus Prime: Hi, Fear Boger! I heard you talking about great Autobot leaders, so I assumed you were talking about me.
FB: Rodimus Prime? Um, well, I was actually talking about-
RP: I know, I know. You wanted to talk to Optimus Prime, not me. Nobody ever wants to talk to me.
FB: It’s nothing personal, Rodimus. It’s just that you were kind of a crappy leader, and even worse, you were a whiny bitch.
RP: You’d whine too if everyone kept telling you how much they liked the other guy more.
FB: Maybe if you didn’t preface every damn thing you said with, “I know I’m not Optimus Prime…”
RP: Well, I’m not Optimus! So do you want my help or not?
FB: I suppose if you’re all that’s available.
RP: Great! So my advice is-
Optimus Prime: Out of the way, junior!
OP: Damn right. And I believe the Fear Boger wanted to talk to the real Autobot leader, not you.
RP: But I was just trying to-
OP: You were just leaving!
OP: OUT! (Smacks Rodimus in the head and knocks him down)
RP: I’m sorry, sir. I’ll leave now. (Sadly walks away)
OP: So, Fear Boger, how can I help you?
FB: I’ve been trying to discover the meaning of Christmas, and I thought that maybe you can help.
OP: I certainly can! I’m an expert on all things Christmas. Remember, I was the top-selling toy for the 1984 Christmas season.
FB: So what’s it all about? Is there a way for me to enjoy Christmas even though everyone hates me and I’m generally miserable all of the time?
OP: Of course you can! You’ve got to remember that on Christmas, just about everyone is miserable. People have this weird idea that Christmas is this joyous, wonderful time, but that’s not how it really goes. Instead, everyone is stressed out about buying presents, cooking large meals, and spending time with family members who they really might not even like all that much.
Just look at me: I spend all my time with the Autobots, and most of them were completely useless.
FB: Wow, that seems kind of harsh.
OP: Is it? Is it really? Can you recall more than maybe a handful of times when anyone besides me actually did anything? Nope. It was always good old Optimus who had to save the day.
But despite their worthlessness, I still love all of those losers. And on Christmas – even though it is an insanely bizarre holiday from my perspective – I choose to celebrate that.
See what I’m getting at?
Note: I’m not sure why I didn’t notice my hand in this picture before now.
FB: I think I do! Thanks a lot, Optimus!
OP: No problem, Fear Boger! Now have yourself a Merry Christmas!
FB: I will now that I know exactly what I have to do!
Has the Fear Boger finally discovered the meaning of Christmas.? Tune in later today for the exciting* conclusion.
* Conclusion may not actually be all that exciting.