I hope everyone is having a wonderful Christmas! It’s a very special Christmas here at The Cutter Rambles, because for the third straight year, I am joined by a special guest. Once again, I will conduct an (imaginary) interview with singer Michael Bublé!
And now, without any further delay, here is everyone’s favorite Canadian pop star! Please give a hearty welcome to Michael!
MB: Bublé Bublé Bublé Bublé rocking everywhere! Rocking everywhere!
Cutter: So what’s new with you this year?
MB: Oh, same old, same old. Another top rated Christmas special.
Cutter: I watched some of that, and I have some questions.
MB: Such as?
Cutter: You keep having these Sesame Street characters on the special. This year there were about five segments with Cookie Monster.
MB: The kids love Cookie Monster!
Cutter: I know they do, but my question is, if you’re going to have Cookie Monster on your special, why does it air so late at night? I was watching it at 10:30, and there’s Cookie Monster. Did you really expect kids to be awake and watching at that time.
MB: Yes, I figured that parents would realize how awesome my special is and let their kids stay up late.
Cutter: I’m sure that’s all the kids were talking about at school. Michael Bublé is on tonight! I hope my parents let me stay up! And the next day – Did you see Bublé last night? It was awesome!
MB: Ha ha ha. In case you haven’t noticed, it’s the year 2013. They’ve invented this little device called the DVR.
Cutter: Actually, I’m kind of surprised you even know what a DVR is, after all-
MB: Let me guess – you don’t think I knew what a DVR is because I’m Canadian? Is that what you were going to say?
Cutter: Well yes, actually.
MB: And here I was thinking that you might have come up with some new material this year. Nope, back to the same old “Canadians are uncivilized” jokes.
Cutter: Hey, the classics never get old.
MB: That’s debatable.
Cutter: Anyway, I was watching you sing, and the more I see it, the more it seems like you’re sneering at us when you sing.
MB: Oh good. I was hoping you’d pick up on that. I am sneering at the audience.
Cutter: You are? Why?
MB: Because I want them to appreciate how lucky they are to have me perform for them. I’m Michael Bublé! World famous pop star! And I’m giving them the pleasure of listening to me sing classic Christmas tunes. And how much does it cost them? NOTHING! So yes, I’m sneering.
Cutter: Wow, you’ve got a little bit of an edge to you this year, Michael.
MB: You think? Wonder why that could be?
Cutter: Honestly, I have no idea.
MB: You don’t? Have you seen the TV listings over the past few weeks?
Cutter: I really haven’t paid much attention. Like you said, we’ve got a DVR. I don’t look through the listings all that much. What bothered you?
MB: Apparently, they’re giving just about everyone a Christmas special these days. It used to be the realm of the greats, and now they give one to every Jane, Dick, and Sally who can carry a halfway decent tune.
Cutter: Um, like who?
MB: How about Carrie Underwood? They decided to re-make the Sound of Music with her? Whose brilliant idea was that?
Cutter: Well, she’s pretty.
MB: There are lots of pretty girls out there, and I’d be willing to bet that most of them could act a little better than her.
Cutter: My wife said the same thing.
MB: You didn’t watch it?
Cutter: No, it wasn’t exactly up my alley.
MB: That’s surprising. I thought you pretty much watched any crap they threw out there.
Cutter: Nope. Who has time?
MB: Actually, I do. These Christmas specials require almost no work. I already know all the songs by heart, so I show up, sing for an hour, and I’m free and clear.
Cutter: I see. So Carrie Underwood is the reason you’re a little pissy?
MB: Not just her.
Cutter: Who else?
MB: Have you heard of this Clarkson chick?
Cutter: Kelly Clarkson? Yeah, who hasn’t?
MB: It just seems wrong that SHE gets a Christmas special too.
Cutter: Why? She’s pretty popular.
MB: For doing what? Winning some singing contest? Big deal! What are they going to do, give Scotty McCreery his own special next year?
Cutter: I wouldn’t put it past them.
MB: The first time I saw Kelly Clarkson, and someone told me that she won a contest, I assumed it was an eating contest.
Cutter: Jeez man, don’t you think you’re being a little harsh?
MB: After seeing them give these hacks Christmas specials, I can understand why NBC is struggling so much.
Cutter: Isn’t your special on NBC?
MB: Hmm…yeah. I suppose it is. Oops. Can we strike that one from the record?
MB: Ah well. What are they going to do? Not have me on next Christmas? Yeah, let’s not show the biggest ratings draw we’ve got.
Cutter: I’m surprised they haven’t given you your own sitcom yet.
MB: Because I’m so funny?
Cutter: Yes, but I’m pretty sure that isn’t intentional. I meant just because you were so bland and generic that you appeal to middle class America.
MB: Bland?? Is this bland? (Gives me the finger)
Cutter: And classy. Let’s not forget how classy you are.
MB: So do you want me to sing something before I go?
Cutter: Yes, I think that would be a good idea.
Cutter: Despite the sneering, that was very nice.
MB: Of course it was. I’m Michael Bublé!
Cutter: I know. Trust me, I know. Well, thanks for joining me. Have a Merry Christmas and I’ll talk to you next year!