A few weeks ago, I proposed forming an alliance. I asked if any of my fellow bloggers would be willing to join me, and to my surprise/delight/relief, I received a very positive response.
Eight talented bloggers have chosen to team up to fight for truth, justice, and the idealized image of the “American way” that existed back in the 1950’s. Together, we shall bring enlightenment to the world and vanquish those who would choose to be less awesome than us. (Or something like that. Chances are, we’ll just end up discussing who our favorite character on Seinfeld was.)
Together, we are…The Blogging Alliance of the Damned!
In order to have everyone in the group introduce themselves, I asked them what role they felt they should serve in this Alliance.
Arden – Crazy Cat Lady
According to a poll I made up for this post, I am the number one internet source for Caturday. Though some may try and say that I am undeserving of such a wondrous title (due to the fact that I don’t actually own any cats), to them I only say one thing:
Though my house may be lacking in frolicking feline furballs, there is no one who can compete with my Caturday enthusiasm NOR can anyone produce an appropriate cat meme for any given situation as quickly as I.
Go ahead. Take the challenge. I dare you.
One shall not trifle with Arden, the Dancing Wino, the Official Crazy Cat Lady of the Blogging Alliance of the Damned. Geez, that’s a long name.
C.K. – Poetress
I shall be the Poetress of the Blogging Alliance of the Damned, all damned things need a poet. I believe I should hold that title because, unless I’m mistaken in my
stalking checking out of other B.A.D. blogger’s blogs, I’m the only full-time poet on the list. Plus I have Goatacus and any poet with a Goatacus gets to be the Poetress of the Blogging Alliance. And that sentence rhymed, I rest my case.
Chowderhead – The Aerialist Pianist
I’m a fit for the title, “Aerialist Pianist”, because I spend a lot of my free time dreaming up ways to make this stunt a reality. This needs to happen. I’m talkin’ a full-blown trapeze act with pissed off monkeys, and pianos, and swords and shit. And fire too. We’re gonna need a lot of fire. And gasoline.
Hula hoops would work pretty good for that ring of fire trick, but they’d have to be able to withstand temperatures up to 1510 degrees Celsius, so I’ll have to do a little research first before we can shop hoops. It’s gonna be important to stay away from the plastic modeled ones here though, so we’ll be able to abbreviate our research a bit…
…Where the hell was I going with this? Oh yeah! I think I’d be a great candidate for the title, “Aerialist Pianist”, because not only am I an original in my own respect, but also because I’ve always wanted a job title that nobody else in the world has. Plus, ‘Pianist’ is a funny word, and I bank big on self-deprecating humor. \m/
Cutter – Master of Analogies
If there’s one thing I enjoy doing, it is making analogies. (Note: There are actually a lot of things I enjoy doing. Making analogies is just one of them.) Most of us stopped worrying about analogies as soon as the SATs were over, but for some reason, I decided that comparing things was my forte.
Need someone to compare Barack Obama to Rodimus Prime? I’m your man! Do you want to understand how ESPN NFL Draft guru Mel Kiper is a lot like Santa Claus? I can help! Do you want to hear how the pair of sandals I wore in 1996 are similar to former Philadelphia 76ers point guard Eric Snow? You’ve come to right place!
How will this aid the Alliance? It more than likely won’t! But afterwards, at least I’ll be able to explain how I was the “Woodrow Wilson of the Alliance.”
Cyn K – Empress of Earnestness
When tasked by The Cutter to identify our titles within the Blogging Alliance of the Damned, I thought back through my employment history. The first job title I ever held was “Production Specialist” at Pizza Hut. Since then, I’ve continued to have really lame job titles. I decided this was my opportunity to create the most amazing title ever!
Of course, I’m nothing if not unoriginal. I turned to Google for suggestions and discovered a “Job Title Generator.” I found some real humdingers, but nothing seemed appropriate for this alliance. So I changed my quest into a search for titles of nobility. Hey, if a seventeen-year-old can sing about being royal and win a Grammy for it, this thirty-something-year-old mom should be able to pull this off, too.
Since “Queen Bee” was taken, (Damn you, Lorde!) I started combing through my other options. I’m definitely not a princess. “Baroness” reminds me of that awful woman in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. “Lady” has me alternately hearing “Hey, Lady” a la Jerry Lewis and Led Zeppelin.
That’s just not right.
Then I was struck with inspiration: Cyn K, Czarina of Cruelty
Almost immediately I had a reality check. As much as I like the way that title flows off the tongue, it just isn’t me. I mean, look at me: I’m doing research to complete this task. I’m worrying about whether I will get this right. That’s when I figured out the appropriate title: Cyn K, Empress of Earnestness
Need someone to miss the joke? I’m your gal. Do you require solemnity to balance your levity? I can do that. Looking for sincerity in a world of fakes? You can count on me.
End Kwote – Duppy Conqueror
I know, you’re probably like, “What in the balls is a duppy? And why in the balls are you conquering it?” Patience, kimosabi, and I’ll tell you.
I’m a bit of a Bob Marley scholar. As you may know Marley was born and raised in Jamaica. Without going into too much detail, I can tell you that some of the religions in Jamaica have beliefs that are kind of magical and spooky. A part of these beliefs are these pesky spirits known as duppies. Duppies come in many forms, but they typically aren’t friendly ghosts. They would probably kick Casper in his ghostly gonads and go right on pulling chairs out from under unsuspecting humans.
Marley, being the Rastafari shaman that he was, was a self-proclaimed duppy conqueror. Did he mean that he could defeat these ghouls with his intense spiritual powers? No, I don’t think so. I believe that Marley was using duppies as a metaphor for all the negative influences that were going on around him. The people that doubted him and the events that could negatively impact him. Marley was above these things. He pushed aside all the bullshit, and he used his music to get out a message. Through his music, he overcame the bad influences in his life.
That’s why I’ve chosen the title of Duppy Conqueror. Similar to Marley’s use of music to stay above the bad stuff, I use my blog to set aside the crummy influences in my life. I blog to analyze and dissect the forces that can change me. I blog so I don’t get my chair pulled out from under me. I blog to conquer my own duppies. Hopefully, through this all-powerful alliance, I can continue to beat down the ghostly bastards that drag me down.
So, look alive, duppies. We’re coming for you. I, along with this new army of my blogging compadres, are on the hunt. We are all duppy conquerors, and we won’t stop until we’ve kicked every one of your transparent arses.
If you thought the Ghost Busters were bad, you ain’t seen nothin’.
Have a nice day.
Matticus – The Jester
A jester is a master of multiple talents that all serve the purpose of entertainment. Tumbling. Juggling. Jokes. Silliness. Self-deprecation. They do whatever it takes to get their audience laughing. Whatever it takes.
As The Jester for the Alliance of the Damned I will adhere to those same principles. While I won’t be tumbling or juggling, and I’m not very good at jokes, but I can bring the self-deprecation like a pro. Plus, despite my lack of courtly tricks and antics, I am a man of many talents. I know a thing or two about music. I’ve been known to work as a scribe. I am a master storyteller. Plus, I do know a thing or two about being silly. At least I think I do.
If nothing else, I can dress the part.
Rarasaur – Alliance Dinosaur
I humbly request the position of Official Alliance Dinosaur. I am currently in good standing as the Official Dinosaur of the Matticus Kingdom, as well as Champion Dinosaur of Grayson Queen’s world. My references in regards to official dinosaur business are second to none.
I promise to live up to the epic nature of the title by rawring at a lot of things, and by being a dinosaur. I also promise to never stomp any members of the Alliance.
Ladies and Gentlemen, your Blogging Alliance of the Damned! (Waits for applause…)
So where does the Alliance go from here? Perhaps we’ll deal with real life problems like the ones you face every day. Or maybe we’ll do just the opposite, getting into far-out situations involving robots and magic powers. You’ll just have to wait and see!
Next week, we’ll be hanging out at Arden’s place, so make sure to follow her blog. (As well as everyone else’s, because they’re all super cool!)
P.S. If you still want to be a member of the Alliance, but somehow got lost in the shuffle, please let me know. Either leave a comment with your email or send something to email@example.com. Make sure to leave an email address that you check at least semi-regularly.
Sure, we might have to redo the banner, but I’m sure Rara’s got nothing better to do, right?