The Winter Weather Battle Royale

Worst winter ever.

After spending another day at home yesterday trying to entertain the Cutlet (Preschool was closed!) and shoveling the driveway clear of snow, I’m officially sick of winter.

Remember how I complained about my trip to the Florida Keys back in January? Well a trip to Florida would sound pretty darned good right about now.

After months of being pounded by winter weather, I’ve decided to get some revenge. I rounded up a slew of fictional characters who all share a common trait: They have the power to control or create snow and ice. To punish them, I will make them compete in a “last man standing” battle royale…TO THE DEATH!

Here are the characters who will be competing:

  • Queen Elsa from Frozen
  • Frozone from the Incredibles
  • Iceman from the X-Men
  • Mr. Freeze from Batman
  • Snow Miser from The Year Without a Santa Claus
  • Sub-Zero from Mortal Kombat

Which of these characters is going to prevail? Here’s my take, in order in which they’d likely be eliminated.

Frozone

Frozone can freeze the ambient moisture in the air, allowing him to shoot ice rays. He also utilizes gadgets like snowboards and ice skates to move quickly over the ice and snow.

Why he won’t win

Everyone on this list has the power to make ice, so Frozone’s abilities are nothing special. Plus, he’s been unofficially retired for a few years now.  While he still partakes in a little bit of superhero moonlighting, he’s bound to be a little out of shape.

In addition, he’s not even invulnerable to the cold! He needs to wear a special insulated suit. That weakness would leave him easy pickings for…

Mr. Freeze

One of Batman’s main villains, Mr. Freeze was caught in a scientific experiment gone wrong, and now his body temperature must be kept below freezing at all times.

He wears a cryogenic suit that gives him super strength, and he attacks his enemies with ice weapons, most notably a gun that freezes victims on contact.

Why he won’t win

Mr. Freeze’s doesn’t have any natural ability to create or control ice; he is completely dependent on his suit and gun.  Once he was disarmed, he would be defenseless and easily taken out by someone with actual powers like…

Iceman

One of the original members of the X-Men, Bobby Drake is a mutant who can freeze ambient moisture in the air.  He can surround his body in an icy coat of armor and freeze anything he encounters. Later in his career, he discovered he could transform his entire body into water, making him one of the more powerful mutants on the planet.

Why he won’t win

Most people are surprised to learn Iceman is so powerful. He seems relatively weak, mostly because he doesn’t seem to take himself or his powers too seriously. Even Professor X has his doubts:

Iceman’s inability to remain serious and focused will cost him when he encounters a deadly foe like…

Sub-Zero

Sub-Zero is a member of an ancient clan of assassins who possess deadly martial arts skills as well as the ability to create and control ice. He can instantly freeze his opponents, create ice duplicates of himself, and oh yeah, if for some reason he lost his ice powers, he’s essentially a ninja!

Why he won’t win

Being an ice-wielding ninja is pretty impressive. It seems like the only thing that could stop him was if he went against someone with godlike abilities.  Someone like…

Queen Elsa

Like the others, Elsa can create ice, but her powers appear to go far beyond that: She is able to erect a giant ice palace with minimal effort; She brings about eternal winter in the kingdom of Arendelle without even trying. Perhaps most impressive, she has the ability to create life in the form of sentient snowmen.

Why She Won’t Win

Elsa has godlike abilities. But what would happen if she went against someone who actually appears to be a god?

Snow Miser

Snow Miser is the being responsible for creating cold weather on Earth.  Sure, Elsa was able to bring about premature winter in Arendelle, but Snow Miser has the ability to do that to any place on Earth. Much like Elsa, he also seems to be able to create life: He has an army of minions who serve him.

Why he Will Win

Elsa is powerful, but she isn’t entirely sure of her abilities. Snow Miser appears to be an omnipotent being who has been at this for years.  Chances are, if he was thrown into this challenge, he’d transform his competitors into water vapor before they even knew what had happened.

After that, he’d likely turn his attention on me for including him in this battle to begin with. Once I had been permanently frozen, he’d probably get his revenge on humanity by bringing about an eternal winter that could only be stopped by his brother Heat Miser.

So yeah, maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all. Sorry I mentioned it.

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About The Cutter

I am the Cutter. I write some stuff. You might like it, you might not. Please decide for yourself.
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29 Responses to The Winter Weather Battle Royale

  1. NotAPunkRocker says:

    The good news is, I have now gotten rid of the “Frozen” song earworm.

    Now I’m singing the “Heat Miser/Snow Miser” song…good for me, bad for anyone within earshot.

  2. Squinty says:

    Iceman would win because the others aren’t real. Duh.

  3. List of X says:

    Mr. Freeze is clearly the weakest link here. He’s the only one who might die in a fight simply because his heart rate increased and body temperature went up.

  4. huh & i thought sub zero was just my freezer

  5. djmatticus says:

    I believe Squinty’s argument was that the rest were cartoons (or video game characters) and therefore, Ice Man, as played by Ah-nold, would win by default because he was/is “real.”

  6. stephrogers says:

    It’s summer here so I can’t relate to the snow thing. Also snow is just not a thing in Australia. As in you have to travel to the highest mountain in the country to actually encounter the stuff.

    I think you missed an important point here. Frozone is actually just really freaking cool. I think the cool factor cannot be ignored in a battle of who will win the ice wars. Frozone could bust out a bit of Vanilla Ice and go all Ice Ice Baby on those guys. I bet he can also do an awesome MC Hammer dance.

  7. Trent Lewin says:

    I think you just made me feel colder! As a Canadian, i didn’t think that was possible.

  8. If you think my Seinfeld cluelessness is bad, I didn’t see the Snow Miser Xmas special for the first time until just a few years ago. I don’t think it was being shown on TV in the 80’s and 90’s, otherwise there’s no way I could have missed it…. and I still like its sister special “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town:” better anyway….

    • The Cutter says:

      They never showed “Year Without a Santa Claus” near you? I saw it a bunch in the 80s. Then again, in those days, if you missed a TV show, that was pretty much it. There was no “on demand” or DVDs.

      And Santa Claus is Coming to Town did reveal that Santa is a ginger. That was a surprise.

    • Apparently they didn’t. I finally caught it on, I think The Family Channel a couple Xmas Eves ago. I always wondered where all those Heat Miser references were coming from all my life…

  9. Excellent analysis! And Snow Miser is creepy. Creepy puppet dude.

  10. mistyslaws says:

    While this is a very creative idea, reading through this just made me very cold. Very very cold. Also, I now have Let it Go stuck in my head. Again. So, um thanks?

  11. Pingback: A Belated Look Back at my Year in Blogging | The Cutter Rambles

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