This time, I’ve given the same list of female celebrities to both men and women to see how the answers vary among gender lines.
Here are the distinguished panelists:
Squinty – He’s currently out of the country, so if I misrepresent anything he says, he won’t be able to respond quickly. He also lives in Vegas, so that might have skewed his opinions a bit.
Waldo – It isn’t clear if he’ll survive this experience. I certainly hope he does though since he is the commissioner of my fantasy football league, and it would be a pain to find a replacement.
Sweaty – Unlike the others, he’s probably never going to get married, so there is no filter whatsoever.
Amidala – Much like the Star Wars heroine, she can be cold and ruthless. I also once saw her open face slap another girl. Or at least I think I did. I was kinda drunk at the time.
Lyssie – We came to a bit of an understanding earlier this year when we both realized that being nice to people went against our moral fiber and actually caused us discomfort.
Mrs. Grafchak – Because of her accent (I think it’s some sort of Midwestern dialect?) her answers would seem much more charming if you heard her speak them out loud.
Cutter: No. Anyone who wears that much makeup is hiding something.
Squinty: Maybe. She’d have to drop the make up and couldn’t speak. But she’s bat shit crazy, and you know how I loves me some bat shit crazy.
Waldo: I’d definitely do her. How can you resist the motorboat opportunity!! Although she would likely put me in the hospital…I think she may be a little too rough in the sack.
Sweaty: No. She has more plastic than a Barbie doll. Plus her voice is annoying in songs. I can only imagine how annoying it’d be in bed.
Mini-blonde: Yes. If her rap songs are any indication, she could probably teach me a few new tricks.
Amidala: She’s actually really pretty without all the intentionally over-the-top pop trappings. I wouldn’t hit it, but I would hit Vegas with her.
Lyssie: Nicki just doesn’t do it for me. For some reason she reminds me of Lil’ Kim somewhere in the midst of her transformation. I’ll admit I don’t know much too about her, her music is just OK, but I generally don’t get the fascination. Nah.
Side note: My husband just recently figured out the Super Bass anagram of Superb Ass. I took great pleasure in his ‘late to the party’-ness, until I found out that many others hadn’t figured it out yet. People are stupid. (Cutter’s note: Agreed)
Mrs. Grafchak: No, thanks. I’ve never seen her in an interview or anything, but from her many duck-face photos she seems to take herself way too seriously. Also, she seems like a grump.
Consensus: Seems like neither the men nor the women are too keen on her.
Cutter: There’s something off about her. Are we supposed to think she’s attractive?
Squinty: I’ll say yes. But I had to look her up. (Cutter’s note: Despite how it may seem, Squinty is still cool. He’s kind of like Slash in that regard!)
Waldo: I’d make a run at that. She got the Big Ole’ Booty. She acts like she has a wild side which would be great in the sack, but I wonder how much of that is an act…
Sweaty: Sure. I’ve never banged a ghost. Or an albino. And this woman looks like she could be one or the other. Or an albino ghost. Spooky $ex.
Remember that kid who was albino who wanted to fight you in kickball? He lives in my neighborhood now. And has a girlfriend. Be afraid, Damien’s out to getcha. (Cutter’s note: It’s true. An albino did attempt to fight me on multiple occasions because of kickball. Kickball is a hell of a sport sometimes.)
Mini-blonde: No. Although she does have a nice, supposedly real, booty, she’s not a particularly good rapper. I like to do it with talented people in hopes of becoming a better person.
Amidala: For some reason, I keep getting her mixed up with Charli XCX and Lorde (I guess I’m officially old?). (Cutter’s note: I think they’re all actually the same person! Have you ever seen them all in the same room together?)
After refreshing myself via Google images, I’d have to say no. She has a nice body but looks so vacant. Her Maxim cover is HORRIBLE and her “White Chicks” Halloween costume was the stuff of nightmares.
Lyssie: No. No, no, no. She looks like one of the Wayans’ characters from ‘White Chicks’ in body and face. She seems spoiled and bratty, sounds like a man, and is generally trashy to me. With a first name like Amethyst I’m sure she can tear it up on a stripper pole, but I mostly want to punch her.
Mrs. Grafchak: No, I wouldn’t. This is despite her fanciness, because I like being fancy sometimes too. But she also seems like a duck-face who takes herself too seriously.
Consensus: The men are (mostly) all about it, while the women are not.
Cutter: She’s funny, so if I was drunk I’d probably talk myself into it. But then it would be hard to watch Bob’s Burgers anymore, since she voices a pre-teen girl on that show.
Squinty: No. Well, maybe yes If I’d had a few beers and it was late. Either way I’d hate myself if the morning.
Waldo: No movement in the pants for her. Wait, I feel something…nevermind, I have to pee.
Sweaty: Yes, but only because she looks like Maggie Ghyllenhal. (Or however the hell you spell her last name.)
Ever see the movie “Secretary?” Maggie Ghyllenhal gets all S&M-bondage-y in it. Watch it, it’s good. (Cutter’s note: I’ve seen it. Meh.)
Mini-blonde: Yes. I love a funny man, so why wouldn’t I love a funny lady?
Amidala: Nope. Strictly friend zone all the way. She can join me and Nicki in Vegas though.
Lyssie: I’m not too familiar with Kristen other than that she is funny, which I can get behind. I wouldn’t mind hanging out with her, being friends, making fun of people. Beyond that, meh. Her body is fine, face is a touch goofy past bland. Maybe if was more familiar with her work my opinion would be different?
Mrs. Grafchak: Definitely. Despite her weird baby voice her stand-up can be kind of filthy which is a fun surprise. I bet a romp would also yield a fun surprise.
Consensus: Seems like the guys could be talked into it, while the girls are on the fence.
Cutter: She’s definitely attractive enough, but man I find her so annoying. I’ll say no. Now as for her sister? That’s a definite yes.
Squinty: Yes. Most importantly she has the psycho eyes, and we all know my history there. (Cutter’s note: Squinty has some history with girls with crazy eyes.)
Waldo: I’d do her but she seems more of someone to take home to meet the parents and have the babies with. Her eyes are pretty killer.
Sweaty: Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. She’s like a flatter Katy Perry. Kind of girl next door, the one who wish would come over and polish your knob. She seems like she could be clingy afterwards though. Just my general impression. But yes, definitely.
Mini-blonde: Yes. She seems like a good cuddler, and she could sing me sweet lullabies after we do it.
Amidala: I would probably hate myself afterwards, but yes. She’s gorgeous — her biggest flaw is probably being too twee and perfect. (I mean, come on – she acts, sings, and runs a successful website? Just kill me now).
Lyssie: Sometimes I think Zooey would get super annoying/righteous if you had to spend too much time with her, but that wouldn’t stop me from having some fun. I bet we could drink some wine and have a great time and whatever happens, happens.
She is cute and funny and in small doses probably really exciting to be around. Unless she gets all hipster on you, then I’d have to pass.
Mrs. Grafchak: Sure, but only if she is the character from Elf who is sort of a sad sack but sings like a throaty angel. She could sing Baby, It’s Cold Outside and I could overanalyze the weird lyrics.
Consensus: Seems like almost everyone would like a piece of Miss Deschanel.
Cutter: Having a large buttocks isn’t a deal breaker for me, but as South Park pointed out, without all the prep work and photoshopping, she’s basically a hobbit. No thanks.
Squinty: No. I don’t find her attractive. I don’t find her interesting. She’s certainly no Andie MacDowell.
Waldo: Save the drama for her Momma and step Papa. I couldn’t deal with it. She’s got the booty, but the attitude force field wouldn’t let me get close enough to even smack it.
Sweaty: Why would I want all that drama when I can just spank it to her porn online?
Mini-blonde: No, cause if history is any indication, she probably would only want to do it if it was on tape, and I’m not an exhibitionist.
Amidala: No, no, NO. The only reason I would ever want to interact with this plastic fame-ho in any way would be to demand my money back that I spent on her horrible, addictive game (a few weeks ago I might have paid real money to get the private jet in “Kim Kardashian Hollywood” after a few too many drinks). Otherwise, wouldn’t touch her with a 10-foot pole.
Lyssie: First off, I’m white and not a fame whore, so I don’t think I’m her type. I sometimes watch her show just to make myself feel better about the type of person I am.
The whiny baby voice and ridiculously out of touch with reality-ness can be ignored, but her makeup and body are disgusting. I find nothing appealing about her shape, she seems unnatural.
How does that even work? I don’t know how she sits down in a normal position, let alone how she can maneuver her body to have any fun. I’ve never seen the sex tape but have heard enough to know she’s just as annoying in the sack and I’m a solid HELL NO.
Consensus: Everyone agrees: We would not like to keep up with this Kardashian.
Thanks to all the panelists! This has been another fascinating exercise.
And how about you, readers? How would you answer the “would you?” question in regards to these celebs? Feel free to leave your opinion in the comments!