Last year, I brought you the heartwarming adventure of a miserable bobble head doll as he attempted to discover the true meaning of Christmas. It was…um, strange, although I thought there was somewhat of an underlying message of positivity.
It was good and all, but I realized that a holiday special can’t be considered a true classic until they make a disappointing sequel that almost nobody likes.
So please sit back and enjoy Another Fear Boger Christmas!
FB: And once again, I find myself drunk and alone.
FB: Very drunk and very alone.
Parrot: No! No! No! We are not going to do this!
FB: Huh? Who are you? What are you?
Parrot: I’m a giant parrot glass, obviously. But that’s not important. What’s important is that we’re not going to do this.
FB: I don’t understand.
Parrot: We’re not going to act like last year didn’t happen and tell the same damn story again. Last year, you came to terms with being a miserable a-hole. You realized that by surrounding yourself with other losers, you could at least find some joy in the holiday season. Does this ring a bell?
FB: Yeah, I guess so.
Parrot: Well then we’re not going to act like you’re back where you started. We’re not going to act like all that character development and growth you went through last year was meaningless! We’re not going to just ignore continuity and everything that came before because it’s convenient to the plot!
FB: They do it all the time on the Simpsons!
Parrot: Oh, is that so, Principal Tanzarian? And the Simpsons have been on the air for over 25 years! This is your second year. You have no excuse!
FB: So what do you want me to do?
Parrot: I don’t care! But I’m telling you right now: This ain’t gonna be like Home Alone 2 where they just re-create this first one! You’re going to do something new!
FB: (Shoves parrot to the ground) How about I develop a violent edge for this year’s adventure?
Parrot: But that doesn’t fit with your previously established character! Damn it, this isn’t how this is supposed to work.
FB: Whatever. I’m going to go talk to some of my loser friends.
Parrot: No! That’s the same thing as last year! Damn it. This didn’t turn out how I planned.
FB: Hey, Grimlock!
Grimlock: Fear Boger! Good to see you!
Grimlock: No. I was just being polite.
FB: Ah. Anyway, I’ve been meaning to ask you something.
Grimlock: Is it about the movie?
FB: Yes. I saw you in the last Transformers movie, but you didn’t seem to be quite…you. You know what I mean?
Grimlock: Tell me about it. When Michael Bay approached me about appearing in the movie, I was thrilled. But had I known what they were going to do with my character, I would have never agreed to it.
FB: It felt like someone was in a meeting room and said, “You know what would be cool? If Optimus Prime rode a Tyrannosaurus!” And then that was about as far as the idea was developed.
Grimlock: Exactly! They couldn’t have given me a token line of dialouge? “Me Grimlock smash Decepticons!” Would that have been too much to ask for?
Heck, they didn’t even call me by name! If it wasn’t for the millions of action figures they’re selling, you wouldn’t even known the Tyrannosaurus was named Grimlock!
FB: And sadly, that was easily the best of the Transformers movies so far. Not that the bar was set especially high.
Grimlock: You can say that again.
FB: Say, why are you speaking normally?
Grimlock: What do you mean?
FB: Well you traditionally talk with stunted speech patterns. You know, the whole “Me Grimlock!” thing. But you’ve been speaking like a regular person – I mean robot.
Grimlock: Oh yeah. That’s all an act for the fans. Apparently people expect their dinosaur robots to be stupid, even if it makes no damn sense!
But if they’re not going to even let me talk in the damn movie, I figure what’s the point in demeaning myself like that?
By the way, you realize this whole conversation means nothing to people who never watched the Transformers cartoon?
FB: From what I can tell, most of this blog means nothing to people who didn’t watch the Transformers.
Anyway, some giant parrot just told me I had to do something new this year. Got any ideas?
Grimlock: You could go kill yourself.
Grimlock: That would be new, wouldn’t it? I mean, what else are you going to do?
Last year, you discovered the meaning of Christmas. And now you’ve made a sequel which basically negated everything that happened in the first one. Congratulations, this is your version of Highlander 2.
FB: So what’s that have to do with killing myself?
Grimlock: If you’re going to make a sequel that ruins the original, you might as well go all the way and make it dark to the point of absurdity.
FB: Well, this is it I guess. Nothing left for me to do but jump off this ledge and kill myself.
FB: I’m about to jump! Hope nobody shows up to stop me!
FB: Ah, screw it. (jumps)
Anubis: Ah. It’s been a tough day collecting souls, but now my work for the day is done. I just hope there are no @$$holes out there who decide to off themselves before I can go home.
FB: Anubis! Hey! It’s me, the Fear Boger!
Anubis: What? Are you serious? No. Not you again.
FB: You’re not happy to see me?
Anubis: No, I’m not happy to see you! You know what the only thing worse than a bad sequel is? A bad sequel where they just re-use footage from the original!
FB: So there’s no challenge I can take to return to life?
Anubis: Heck, no. I’m ending this now. I’m taking you to your eternal resting place and that’s where you’ll stay!
FB: Are you sure we can’t negotiate or something?
Anubis: No! Now move!
Is this the end of the Fear Boger? Will he spend the rest of eternity in the Egyptian underworld?
I’d say to stay tuned and find out next year, but that’s not really true. The Fear Boger was the “prize” for the last place finisher in my fantasy football league. Since my team has been pretty good the past few years, it now belongs to some other poor soul.
I had taken a few pictures before I gave it up, hoping that I could get some sort of cohesive story out of it. Did it work? I’m not entirely sure.
So I hope you enjoyed this adventure. Because you’ll never see the Fear Boger again! (Probably)