Crappy Gift Ideas for the Last-Minute Gift Buyer

It’s Christmas Eve! For some of you, this is a fun day to be spent celebrating with friends and family. For others, it’s the day when you realize that you haven’t finished your holiday shopping and you need to scramble to find some last-minute gifts.

Between my ever-growing immediate and extended family (three kids, six nieces and nephews!), I’m growing more experienced in buying presents for children. I typically allow Mrs. Cutter to handle buying toys for the girls. But I’ve learned that when it comes to the boys, it’s best to let me handle things.

Mrs. Cutter told me that one of our nephews wanted a Dinobot as a gift. She looked on Amazon and asked, “They have Rescue Bots on sale. Is that the same thing?”

“Does it transform into a dinosaur?”

“No, it transforms into a truck.”

Grimlock would be an acceptable gift

Grimlock would be an acceptable gift

“That’s cool and all, but here’s the general rule of thumb: If a boy requests something that transforms into a dinosaur, and you get him something that doesn’t transform into a dinosaur, he’s going to be disappointed.”

If you’re still looking for presents today, chances are, you’re not going to be quite so picky. You’ll probably buy whatever you can find.

Don’t worry, I’ve decided to help you out. Here are a few suggestions for the last-minute half-assed gift giver:

Andy Dalton Action Figure

Who wouldn't want to see a mediocre quarterback under their tree?

Who wouldn’t want to see a mediocre quarterback under their tree?

What boy wouldn’t want to receive an action figure of their favorite NFL player? Too bad that the stores are probably already sold out of that player’s figures.

So why not get the next best thing? Why not get him a figure of thoroughly mediocre Cincinnati Bengals quarterback Andy Dalton!

Nothing says “I love you” more than giving a child the action figure of a guy who might just be the 13th best quarterback in the league.

Although I know one family that probably thinks this is the greatest gift ever. Those “Bengal babies” would probably be thrilled.

Cocoa Rice

They're not even trying to fool anyone with this box.

They’re not even trying to fool anyone with this box.

Do you know any kids who love sugary cereals, but hate the Flintstones? They might want the sweet taste of Cocoa Pebbles, but balk at the prospect of looking at Fred on the box.

If this is indeed the case, why not skip the Pebbles and get them a box of Cocoa Rice instead?

Found at Aldi supermarkets, Cocoa Rice took the basic design of the Pebbles box and put their own generic spin of it.

While I can’t speak from experience, I’ll assume that Cocoa Rice tastes the same as Cocoa Pebbles, minus that horrible Flintstones tie-in.

Star Wars Naboo Pilot

To be honest, there is probably an entire expanded universe novel dedicated to this guy.

To be honest, there is probably an entire expanded universe novel dedicated to this guy.

Children of all ages love Star Wars. As a child, I remember getting Star Wars action figures and being overjoyed at the prospects of creating my own adventures with Luke, Han, and Darth Vader.

Why not share that joy with today’s kids by getting them a Star Wars figure of their own?

Sure, the kids might ask for Obi-Wan Kenobi or (if they’re stupid) Yoda, but why not go a different route? Why not get them a figure of the Naboo pilot?

Who can forget the Naboo pilot? The way he um… bravely flew his ship against the Trade Federation’s blockade in Episode I! And…well, I think that was about all he did.

Sure, he might not have been the most memorable character. But he can be useful if a child wants to make his pretend battles a little more realistic.

I mean, if these large-scale battles are taking place, It’s unrealistic to think that everyone is escaping unscathed. But who wants to kill off a beloved character like Chewbacca?

Instead, the kids can just kill off the Naboo pilot. Is anyone really going to shed a tear if the Naboo pilot gets shot down by the stormtroopers? I don’t think so.

Those are just a few suggestions. If you still need more ideas, just head on out to the local Walmart. I’m sure there are plenty of other crappy gifts there that will make just about any child shrug and say “Meh.”

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About The Cutter

I am the Cutter. I write some stuff. You might like it, you might not. Please decide for yourself.
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5 Responses to Crappy Gift Ideas for the Last-Minute Gift Buyer

  1. All I can say is ‘thank goodness for gift cards’. 🙂

  2. The best last minute gift idea I ever saw at work was a Latrell Sprewell action figure… complete with the standard “WARNING: CHOKING HAZARD” label on it. It made me bust out laughing. I wish I’d have bought the damn thing when we had it 10 years ago….

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