I had originally intended for this post to go on the Philadelphia sports blog which I write for. For reasons that will quickly become obvious, I was told that they couldn’t publish it.
Please remember that this is intended to be humorous. If any bigoted Southerners take offense at what I’ve written, I sincerely apologize.
I paid a visit to my old friend Billy-Bob last week. Despite living in South Carolina all of his life, Billy-Bob is a devoted fan of the Phillies.
I wasn’t sure why a South Carolina native would become a Phillies fan, but he told me that his father had raised him that way. Apparently, Billy-Bob’s dad really liked the way team manager Ben Chapman handled himself back in the 1940’s.
When I got to Billy-Bob’s house, he was a little upset about some of the recent happenings in his state. To try to calm him down, I started talking about our favorite baseball team. Unsurprisingly, he had a few strong opinions on the Phillies, so I made sure to transcribe our conversation.
Cutter: So what do you think about the Phillies?
Billy-Bob: They’re a [gosh darned] disgrace, I’ll tell you that.
Cutter: It certainly hasn’t been a good season.
Billy-Bob: That ain’t even the worst of it. I think it’s a shame what they’re doing to Chase Utley.
Cutter: You don’t think they should let Cesar Hernandez play instead of him? He’s having a good season, and Utley’s been pretty bad.
Billy-Bob: It just shows you what’s wrong with America. You’ve got this hard-working guy who does the job as well as anyone. And then along comes this Mexican fella who they don’t have to pay as much. And what happens? They tell the hard-working guy to take a seat on the bench.
Cutter: Cesar Hernandez is from Venezuela.
Billy-Bob: Well, they all come here through Mexico, don’t they? And it don’t matter. He ain’t from here if you know what I mean.
Cutter: Unfortunately, I think I do.
Billy-Bob: It’s happening everywhere. I was happy when they got rid of Jimmy Rollins, because we all know how lazy he was. But what do they do? They bring in another [Latino] to replace him!
Cutter: I don’t-
Billy-Bob: What about third base? You had that Cody Asche playing there. A nice kid from Nebraska whose been raised on nothing but corn and family values. And they find another [Latino]. And this one doesn’t even spell his name right. Maikel? That ain’t how you spell the name Michael in my book.
Cutter: Speaking of that, how’s your daughter Krystyn doing?
Billy-Bob: She’s doin’ just fine. Such a pretty little thing.
Cutter: Aw, that’s good…But back to the Phillies. Surely there must be something you like about the team.
Billy-Bob: I like that they’re letting that new kid play catcher.
Cutter: Cameron Rupp?
Billy-Bob: Yep, him. About time they found someone to replace that druggie they had playing there.
Cutter: Druggie? You mean Carlos Ruiz? He was using Adderall. It’s for ADD. And now he has a prescription.
Billy-Bob: Sure he does. Probably got it from some fake Mexican doctor. And Ader-whatever is only what they caught him for! He’s probably on all sorts of other drugs too! I told you: This is what happens when they start giving those people money.
Cutter: Hey now, that’s –
Billy-Bob: Come here, I want to show you something. (We walk inside and he shows me an aged poster of the 1993 Phillies on his wall.) Take a good look at that. Now that’s what a baseball team should look like. Just a bunch of good old boys playin’ the game the right way. You don’t see any drug users on there, do you?
Billy-Bob: We both know the real reason this team ain’t any good. It’s that Ruben Amaro.
Cutter: Most fans seem to agree with you there.
Billy-Bob: They put him in charge, they start giving all those [Latinos] money, and the team goes to [crap.] I gotta wonder why they ever let some foreigner run the Phillies.
Cutter: Foreigner? He was born in Philadelphia. He’s actually half-Jewish.
Billy-Bob: JEWISH??? Lord Almighty! It’s no wonder then that this team won’t spend any [darn] money!
Cutter: Um….Yeah….So if you were running things, what would you do?
Billy-Bob: First thing, I’d trade that lazy, good-for-nothing Ryan Howard. And then I’d get rid of Dom Brown. Once they’re gone, you got the start of a good team.
Cutter: You don’t want to get rid of Ben Revere too?
Billy-Bob: Naw, he’s one of the good ones. He can stay.
Cutter: Would you trade Cole Hamels?
Billy-Bob: Why in tarnation would I want to do that? I’d maybe ask him to cut his hair a bit, but he’s a good player. Why would I want to trade one of my good players?
Cutter: How about Jonathan Papelbon?
Billy-Bob: No way! Paps is my boy! I love the way he stares down those hitters. We need more guys with that kind of attitude!
Cutter: So do you see any hope for the team?
Billy-Bob: I keep hearing about this J.P. Crawford they got down in the minors. I never seen him before, but if he’s as good as they say, I think I’m gonna like him.
Cutter: I wouldn’t be so sure about that.
Billy-Bob: Why’s that?
Cutter: Oh, just a feeling I have. Anyway, thanks for talking to me, Billy-Bob.
Billy-Bob: No problem. Go Phils!