Is everyone enjoying their Christmas Day? I’m sure the morning was filled with lots of excitement as everyone woke up to see what Santa left for them under the tree. I’m just as sure that my loyal readers have found themselves filled with anticipation for what awaited them later in the day.
Cutter: Welcome, Michael!
MB: Thanks! I know that as much as people love my annual Christmas specials – and based on the ratings, they certainly do love them – they also like to hear me sit down and talk to an ordinary person like yourself.
Cutter: Um, thanks, I think?
MB: No problem! It’s my way of giving back to the little people.
Cutter: Sure. So…are you alone this year?
MB: Ha ha, yes. Don’t worry, I didn’t bring any special guests along this time around. I learned my lesson last year.
Cutter: You know she came back here right before the Super Bowl.
MB: I think she showed up everywhere right before the Super Bowl. She’s not exactly the type to hide from the limelight.
Cutter: As usual, I didn’t actually watch your Christmas special. But I see that you had Kylie Jenner as a guest? I have to ask: What entertainment value does she provide?
MB: The producers said that she’d expose me to a brand new audience.
Cutter: Wasn’t it kind of telling that all she did was take some selfies?
MB: That’s apparently what the young people are into these days.
Cutter: Admit it, you have absolutely no idea who she is, do you?
MB: None. Should I?
Cutter: No. I actually respect you more for not knowing who she is.
MB: So who the hell is she?
Cutter: Do you remember how nobody could figure out why exactly Kim Kardashian was famous?
Cutter: Kylie is famous for being her sister. Oh, and she’s Caitlyn Jenner’s daughter.
MB: Who’s Caitlyn Jenner?
Cutter: You really don’t know who Caitlyn Jenner is?
Cutter: Well, do you remember Olympic hero Bruce Jenner? Well, now…you know what, it’s not important. You’re better off not knowing.
But I feel you. I used to at least know some things about pop culture, but then I had twins. Now, unless something is absolutely mainstream, chances are, I’ve never heard of it.
MB: Well, we’re not kids anymore. Even though the kids do love my music.
Cutter: Oh yeah, you’re all my daughter talks about with her friends.
MB: Naturally. Does she want an autograph?
Cutter: Uh, no thanks. I think she’s okay. So…let me ask you about your hair. You’re older than me, but your hair still looks good.
MB: It sure does!
Cutter: I wish I could say the same. I just got a haircut, and it did no favors for my hairline. I don’t even vaguely resemble you anymore!
MB: I don’t think you ever did.
Cutter: That isn’t the worst part. When I was getting it cut, the stylist said to me, “It looks like you’re losing your hair.” I’m like WTF lady? Thanks for making me feel good! It seems that she was trying to sell me on some special shampoo that supposedly helps with hair loss.
MB: That’s annoying, but obviously, I can’t really relate.
Cutter: You know, I’m sure if I had a stylist, I could probably look pretty good every time I made a public appearance too. Then again, if I didn’t have three kids, I could probably say the same thing.
MB: You know I’ve got a second kid on the way.
Cutter: I’d offer some advice, but I have no idea what it’s like to only have two children.
MB: I’m sure the two nannies and night nurse we’ve hired will have their hands full.
Cutter: I really kind of hate you.
MB: Why? You whine about your kids, but I don’t see you doing anything about it. If they’re keeping you up, why don’t you just move the nursery to the other wing of the house?
Cutter: We don’t have wings in our house! It’s a four-bedroom house in a suburban neighborhood!
MB: Just four bedrooms? Where does the night nurse sleep?
Cutter: WE DON’T HAVE A NIGHT NURSE!
MB: Well there’s your problem!
Cutter: The problem is that most normal people don’t have night nurses!
MB: Really? Then who takes care of the kids when they cry at night?
Cutter: I do! Or my wife does! That’s what most parents do! Their kids cry and they get up and take care of it themselves!
MB: Wow. That sounds awful.
Cutter: Have you even changed a diaper in your life?
MB: Ew, no. Why would I want to do that?
Cutter: Nobody wants to do that! But babies evacuate their bowels and somebody’s got to clean it up!
MB: Right…one of the nannies.
Cutter: I think we’re about done here.
MB: Good. I’ve got to call home and make sure that the nanny is doing okay.
MB: No, of course not. My manager deals with the nanny. Or at least I think it’s my manager. The important thing is that somebody does…probably.
Cutter: So are you going to sing us a song before you go?
MB: I thought you’d never ask.
Cutter and MB: Merry Christmas, everyone!