My high school class is holding its 20th year reunion this Saturday. When I first heard about it, I didn’t know if I would attend. Beyond the logistics – which haven’t been easy to figure out – I wasn’t entirely sure I really wanted to reunite with people from high school. As I’ve written before, there are a variety of reasons why I feel somewhat uncomfortable seeing people from high school.The last time I attended a reunion was fifteen years ago, and I was underwhelmed by the experience. At that point, not much had changed for most of my classmates; Everyone was only a year out of college and either attending graduate school or just starting a career. By the end of the night, I found myself mostly congregating with the same people who I had hung out with during my school days.
But I didn’t want to let past regrets keep me from enjoying new experiences. And since – Facebook aside – I don’t regularly keep in touch with people from high school, I figure this will be a great chance to reinvent myself.
You may wonder why I want to reinvent myself. After all, I certainly don’t have anything to be ashamed about in my current life. I have a wonderful family, have a good job, and thanks to my youthful appearance, I probably look better than most of the people who will be in attendance.
On the other hand, my list of accomplishments is missing a “wow” factor. I need something to brag about that will make people say, “We really misjudged you in high school. We should have realized what an awesome guy you were and given you the proper respect and adulation.” So it looks like I’m going to have to make some stuff up.
The presence of Facebook makes this a little trickier. I count a few high school classmates among my Facebook friends, so if I make any claims that are too outlandish, people will be able to easily call me out. (I also realize that some people attending the reunion may be reading this post. If so, I ask you to be cool and just go along with it!)
At first, I was going to pretend that I helped invent a famous website or app, but I realized that I’d need to do some research on the app in question. Inevitably, one of my “techier” classmates would ask some sort of question which I wouldn’t be able to answer, and the ruse would be up. I also considered saying I was a YouTube celebrity, but I assume that everyone will have a smartphone, and would quickly be able to uncover my deception.
Ultimately, I decided that the best way to impress these people was to claim that I had sex with a celebrity.
I can picture it now: Everyone is talking, and a few people have mentioned some of the interesting things they’ve done or accomplished. And that’s when I would cut in by saying, “Ha ha, yeah. That was a terrific story, but would you like to hear about the time I had intercourse with a famous person?” I imagine I would instantly become the most interesting person in the room.
I consulted with a few friends to figure out what celebrity would be the best name to use. Here were some names suggested and why I didn’t think they’d work:
Minka Kelly – Way out of my league. Maybe if I was a bad boy (with a heart of gold!) football player like Tim Riggins, I’d have a chance, but in real life? No way.
Kristen Stewart – While believable in terms of acheivability, she’s too young. I’ve been married for nine(!) years which means that unless I was unfaithful to my wife, this encounter would have had to happen before 2007 when K-Stew was only 17. I want to impress these people, and I don’t think they’d be very impressed by either an adulterer or a pedophile.
Alison Pill – She’s a hit on the age and level of attractiveness, but I don’t think enough people have heard of her. It lessens the impact if everyone has to check Wikipedia just to figure out who I’m talking about.
Lindsay Lohan – Too obvious.
Brittany Murphy – She’s the right age, and seems JUST around the right level of attractiveness. Unfortunately, she’s deceased, and it would seem wrong to speak ill of the dead in such a manner.Finally, I settled on Anna Faris. She’s the right age, and while she’s an attractive lady, she’s not so hot as to be unbelievable. Plus, she wasn’t that famous back in the early 2000’s, so maybe she felt like slumming one night?
I’m sure that once people hear about my tryst with Anna, they will be super impressed with me. In fact, I’ll probably be the hero of the reunion!
And if any of my classmates are reading this, once more, I ask you to be cool. If you can keep your mouth shut, I’ll make sure to acknowledge your presence, and allow you to bask in the reflective glow of my greatness.