The Cutter’s Grand Finale Super Bowl LIII Preview Post

This is it, folks: The very last post on The Cutter Rambles! (At least, the last post until I inevitably decide to start blogging again in a year or two.)

For the finale, I’m going to preview the grandest of all American sports traditions: The Super Bowl! As I mentioned before, I am not going to go too sports-heavy here, so even if you don’t care for football, you’ll probably be able to enjoy it a little.

Of course, one reason I won’t talk too much about the game is because…

This Game Sucks

It’s the New England Patriots vs. the Los Angeles Rams! (Sound of balloon deflating)

Obviously, the matchup wasn’t going to come close to being as exciting as last year’s game, and I’m not just saying that as an Eagles fan. Last year you had a long-suffering fan base hoping to see their team win its first Super Bowl. There was also a strong underdog story with a backup quarterback taking on one of the greatest of all time.

Is anyone who isn’t a fan of either team actually excited to see a Patriots vs. Rams matchup? Like last year, the Patriots are taking on a team they vanquished in a previous Super Bowl, but considering the Rams have relocated since then, it isn’t as if Rams fans are dying for revenge. It isn’t clear if the people of Los Angeles even know they have a team in the Super Bowl.

As for the Patriots, I think everyone outside of the New England area is sick of them by now. And after playing in so many Super Bowls, even Patriots fans can barely be bothered to get worked up about it.

The Patriots used to carry strong appeal as a villain so at least people could enjoy cheering against them, but that’s lost some luster as well. We just saw them lose in last year’s game, and it feels inevitable that win or lose, they’re going to be right back in the mix again next year.

Besides, how could this year’s game possibly give us a moment as glorious as this one?

It’s obvious that this game would be much better for everyone (except maybe Patriots fans) if the Eagles were involved. But there is one bright side to their absence…

Party On!

As you may know, last year’s Super Bowl featured the Philadelphia Eagles, so I was a bit more excited about that game than I am this year’s edition. While I was obviously pumped about having my team playing for the NFL’s championship, I felt like I missed out on a lot of the fun of the Super Bowl.

I compared the experience to being at your own wedding: It’s a huge celebration, and you’re right in the middle of it, but you don’t get to fully immerse yourself in the event.  Mrs. Cutter and I have remarked that we wished we could have been guests at our own wedding. All of our friends were there, and everyone seemed to be having a great time, but since we had so much to do, and so many people to talk to, we felt like we missed out on some of the party.

For both events, in the weeks prior, I became very single-minded in purpose, and just about everyone wanted to talk to me about it. Leading up to last year’s game, it felt like every single person in my office came by my desk to ask me my thoughts on the game. To my disbelief, at one point I actually said, “I really need people to stop talking to me about football so I can concentrate on work.”

Mrs. Cutter had wanted to have a Super Bowl party last year, but I refused. When the Eagles are playing an important game, the last thing I want to do is worry about entertaining guests, or listening to people blather on while I’m living and dying with every play. I didn’t care about which commercials were funny, or what score I needed the quarter to end with to win the squares pool. I just wanted the Eagles to win the damn game. (They did, BTW.)

I also told her that she was allowed to go to our neighbors’ party, but she had to bring the kids and stay the entire game. After watching the collapse of the Falcons the year prior, I had nightmares of the family returning home, and the Eagles suffering a collapse. Mrs. Cutter can verify that I would have never forgiven her for that, and my constant harping on it would have likely led to an eventual divorce.

Once last year’s game was over, I said that they need to somehow separate the Super Bowl from the championship game. Perhaps the NFL can convince people to shift all the fanfare to the Pro Bowl instead? We can have Pro Bowl parties, and then the following week, fans of the two conference champion teams can watch the title game in relative peace.

Squares Pool

Until recently, I hadn’t realized that there were multiple ways to run a football squares pool. I thought you basically did it by quarter – sometimes with the final score being worth an extra share. But my neighbor said that he’s seen it done where you win every time the score changes, and just divide the pot equally at the end of the game based on how many score changes there were.

I think that’s probably a little too confusing, but I’m curious if anyone out there prefers those other rules. After all, I don’t want anyone feeling as bitter as I did about the white elephant rules.

Commercials

Since I won’t be heavily invested in the game, I will get a chance to dedicate some attention to the commercials. As I’ve stated in the past, I hate this whole practice of companies releasing their Super Bowl commercials on the web ahead of time. It’s much better to see them for the first time when they air.

Since I don’t really remember much about the commercials from last year’s game, I decided to re-watch a few of them and provide some Ad Pundit style reviews.

Bud Light

I like Bud Light. Do I like it significantly more than its two main peers, Miller Lite and Coors Light? No. In fact, of the three, I’d rate Coors as my favorite. (And what’s with Miller spelling it “Lite” while the other two are “Light.” Has anyone ever looked into this?)

If I’m in a desperate situation, is the possibility of gaining Bud Light going to make me fight harder? Probably not. But hey, the people of the kingdom seem pretty fired up by it, so maybe I’m just jaded.

It makes me wonder if I missed the boat back in my kickball captaining days. If I had simply told my teammates that they’d get free Bud Light after a win, maybe they’d have played harder, and we would have been more successful.

Then again, the post-game beer was already pretty cheap as is. And some people would show up to the games drunk anyway. So it probably wouldn’t have made much of a difference.

Dundee

The commercial starts off making us think that there’s going to be a sequel to Crocodile Dundee starring Kenny Powers and Thor. (I’m aware that the actors have real names, but let’s be real here: “Danny McBride” is always going to be known as Kenny Powers no matter what role he plays, and it’s pretty tough to think of “Chris Hemsworth” as anything but Thor. He’s going to be in the new Men in Black movie, and based on the trailers, it’s basically Thor in a black suit.)

The big reveal is that it’s not really a movie trailer, but rather a tourism ad for Australia. We’re supposed to be disappointed by this, but was anyone really that excited to watch a movie with Kenny Powers as Crocodile Dundee’s son? Like I’d probably add it to my Netflix queue or maybe get it from Redbox if everything else was sold out, but am I headed to a theater? Can’t see it happening.

Persil 

A man at a Super Bowl party has a guacamole stain on his shirt, and a friendly man comes out of the TV to help him with it. I have a few questions:

  1. Why is this guy dressed so nicely at a Super Bowl party? I mean, that’s a pretty “business casual” outfit to wear to eat food and watch football.
  2. Now that I take a closer look, all of these people are pretty dressed up for the event. And look at the food on the table! What the hell kind of Super Bowl party is this? Is this how millennials watch football? I mean, the one guy appears to have a sports jersey on – with a blazer on top of it! This is why I’m always skeptical about watching football with people I don’t know. If I showed up to this party, I think I’d want to immediately leave.
  3. How did this guy not realize he had such a large stain on his shirt? It wasn’t like he spilled a little drop. It looks like he dumped an entire chip’s worth of guac onto himself.
  4. Why are these people acting like they have no concept of how to do laundry? It doesn’t seem like the problem is that he doesn’t have Percil, it seems like the problem is that he didn’t think that washing his shirt might remedy the situation. Did the host of the party not have any detergent?

Game Prediction with Idina Menzel

Four years ago, I had famed singer Idina Menzel stop by to help me preview the Super Bowl. It went poorly. Since I’m hopelessly optimistic, I thought that maybe things would go better if I brought her back for a second go round.

Cutter: Hi, Idina.

Menzel: Don’t you mean-

Cutter: Are you kidding me? You’re still insisting people call you Elsa? It’s been six years since that movie came out! Don’t you think it’s time to move on?

Idina_Menzel

Idina is still insane (Image source)

Menzel: Queen Elsa shall never move on! My popularity remains as strong as ever!

Cutter: Sadly, you might be right. Last time I was in Disney World, that place was completely overrun by Frozen stuff. I asked the people at Norway in Epcot Center if it bothered them that their country was now basically seen as “Frozen Land.”

Cutter: So how about this news that the police arrested you for causing this horrible winter weather?

Menzel: Those are impostors! Elsa would never be taken so easily.

Cutter: I seem to remember Prince Hans’ men taking you captive. (Wait, am I really having this argument?)

Menzel: My powers have grown since then. If they tried now, I would freeze them instantly!

Cutter: Right…so, any thoughts on the game?

Menzel: I much preferred last year’s game which took place in Minneapolis! That reminded me of my homeland of Arendelle.

Cutter: I assume Atlanta will be slightly warmer.

Menzel: And I am happy to see that my good friend Grand Pabby will once again be there.

Cutter: Like I told you before, that’s not Grand Pabby, it’s Bill Belichick.

Menzel: Are you sure? Grand Pabby possesses great magic and can change his appearance.

Cutter: You know what? Maybe you’re onto something. I mean, it is kind of strange that a 41-year-old quarterback is somehow running around in sub-zero temperatures like he’s not even fazed. I’m 41, and I don’t even like going out to the garage when it’s below 50 degrees. I just assumed Brady was on some sort of chemical enhancement, but magic seems like just as likely an explanation.

Menzel: Perhaps you might say the cold never bothered him anyway?

Cutter: No, I might not. Do you have a prediction for the score?

Menzel: Grand Pabby and the Patriots shall once again emerge victorious! The score shall be 35-24!

Cutter: That sounds surprisingly plausible. Are you feeling okay?

Menzel: And afterwards, my army of snow creatures will rise up to challenge the Patriots and claim their title as the true champions of the world!

Cutter: Ah, there it is. Thanks for coming by, Elsa.

In Conclusion

I hope this post has gotten you suitably excited for the big game. And since this is my final post, I’d like to say thanks to all my readers, and I hope the world treats you well! (Or at least until the next time I come out of blogging retirement)

 

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About The Cutter

I am the Cutter. I write some stuff. You might like it, you might not. Please decide for yourself.
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1 Response to The Cutter’s Grand Finale Super Bowl LIII Preview Post

  1. If this is your last post for a while, I’ll miss your posts. Hope you’ll be back soon!

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